17years,8months,15days

New year, new blog

2012-01-09T12:03:00.000-08:00

I've decided to try again. Here is the address of my new blog. http://lifelovewahala.blogspot.com/

Just in case you want to have a look.

a cry for help

2011-08-31T16:53:00.000-07:00

I realize that my blog may not have that many readers but writing it has been very helpful to me in more ways that I care to explain here. I was never a diary keeper (which is obvious from the length of time that expires between my posts), but I like having this blog as a record of my time over the last couple of years.

That being said, for whatever it is worth I am writing this post.

In October, I will be 40 years old. I have had a really hard time dealing with the approach of my 40th year. I remember thinking in my 20's how really old 40 sounded and all of a sudden, I'm on it's doorstep. In addition to being scared about the number itself, I also am reminded of the plans I had for my life by the time I was 40. One of those, to be in better shape, I am proud to say that I have achieved. However, the remainder, I have not.

On top of my list would be to have a stable family unit around me. Yet, here I sit with a spouse stuck in West Africa, me in Canada, one child living with a friend and the other living with her dad. Not that I am saying that much of this isn't my own doing, but this wasn't the plan. I feel so very alone and afraid and to say that I feel stress would be an understatement. I have grey hair popping up on my head at an alarming rate (apparently this is due to stress), I have sores in my mouth from worry, I am grinding my teeth at night so I have a sore jaw and lately I can barely hold a conversation without tearing up. I walk everyday to try and deal with all this stress, but it isn't helping me too much.

The thing is, I feel like I have failed again. I wanted so badly to spend this past year bringing DH here, but I didn't do that. In fact, we are no closer to that than we were one year ago. I am back in Canada because after suffering from my second bout of malaria in as many months, and the stress of DH losing his job, it was just too much and I had to beg my way here for a while. Now, I am staying temp with someone because I don't have a place right now. I so desperately want DH with me so that we can move forward it is making me physically ill. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am out of money (which you know... makes the world go round!), out of ideas and out of energy. I just want all of this to have a happy ending and I don't know how to make that happen. I would even settle for an expat job in Naija (if they can provide accommodation with it) but I can't even seem to manage that. DH doesn't have a family that is supportive at all - so we are all each other has and I've left him there and I feel just like the worst person ever.

It feels like everything I gave up last year was for nothing because I have gained no ground.

So, here is the thing. If anyone reads this blog anymore and can provide me with anything - advice, tips, suggestions, help - anything... I would be forever grateful. I just don't have anywhere else to turn anymore and I really need some help.

I pray that this time of stress and pain will be over very soon because it is taking everything out of me. I pray daily for God's strength to guide me in the right direction. I pray for a miracle.

God bless and thanks for reading.

Jennifer

Waving my white flag

2011-07-09T08:32:00.001-07:00

I am going to take a break from blogging for a while. There isn't anything positive to say right now. I don't know when I'll be back, but I hope to be - literally and figuratively.

Right now, I'm....

Tired
Jaded
Sad
Angry
Misled
Confused
Upset
Scared
Disappointed
and
Lonely.

I hope to be able to continue to read all the blogs I love, which continue to inspire me in ways I cannot mention today.

Peace to everyone out there. Love each other. Nothing matters more.

Jennifer

Falling off of a cliff

2011-07-03T07:03:00.001-07:00

Have you ever had a dream in which you find yourself standing on the edge of a very large cliff and you are teetering because you feel as if you are about to lose your balance and fall? I have been having those at least 3 times a week this past month.

I have been reflecting on my posts from this time last year. To be cliche - sometimes everything that glitters isn't gold. In fact, if I look at photos of myself from when I arrived in Lagos last July and compare them to photos taken more recently, I can see obvious differences in myself. DH and I were having a very big argument a few days ago (which are becoming commonplace unfortunately) and he told me that his brother in Germany asked him during our visit there why I looked so sad. That apparently showed in my face. I am "blessed" with one of those faces that cannot hide what I am feeling. This affects me in mostly negative ways because I can't hide when I am sad or confused or angry. I wonder what people are reading on my face lately.

If I were being honest with myself, I would say that DH and I are probably beginning to look like refugees of this relationship. Tired, worn out, confused, lost, and maybe trying to find something to salvage. At the same time, there are times during the day that I look at him and feel the same love I always did. The kind of love that tells you inside that not having this person with you would be a loss so severe in your life that you may never recover. I know - cause I have been there once already. I know what it did to me.

I also know that the person I am is different now in a significant way. I am not the same person I was one year ago. I know more, I appreciate different things, I cope with things differently, I have grown. I know that some of that has to do with DH. Good and bad, he has influenced me.

This year marks my 40th birthday. The closer I get to October, the more I feel it. I know that this year is a significant one for me in more ways than one.

Right now, I am standing on that proverbial cliff. I feel the loss of my children more everyday that I am here. I feel an incredible sense of being torn in two directions at the same time. What makes things hard is that I have no one to talk to about all of this.

Tomorrow, I am supposed to begin working. It isn't a super paying job and it doesn't have any expat perks, but it gives me something to do everyday and I may meet some influential people and that isn't a bad thing. But at this point in our relationship, things being the way they are, I have to weigh the scales on whether working this job is heading me in the direction in which I want to go. DH and I have had 3 conversations about this in the past 2 days. DH is incredibly focused regarding what he wants, but I seem to be the flag in the relationship - waving back and forth in the wind hoping that I can stay on the pole. See what I mean? Standing on the cliff.

I am still in need of a big hand to hold me from falling. Or at least, give me a bungee cord.

Until next time,

Jennifer

A prayer of sorts

2011-06-12T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'm on the verge of ending this blog. Every time I open it to post something, I cannot find anything positive to blog about. Maybe it's me and maybe it's just what it is. I don't have anything positive to blog about.

Here is the thing. I have read my previous post over and over again. I have come to the point where I feel like I don't know where I fit in this world. DH has taken to telling me every so often that when we go out, all I want to do is argue with him. That I have a habit of making him feel embarrassed in public. That I want him to be someone he isn't. So, being the type of person I am (for a perfect definition I refer readers to a quote from the amazing book "Eat, Pray, Love" in which the writer describes how she loses herself in relationships...)

"If I love you, I will carry for you all your pain, I will assume for you all your debts (in every definition of the word), I will protect you from your own insecurity, I will protect upon you all sorts of good qualities that you have never actually cultivated in yourself and I will buy Christmas presents for your entire family. I will give you the sun and the rain, and if they are not available, I will give you a sun check and a rain check. I will give you all this and more, until I get so exhausted and depleted that the only way I can recover my energy is by becoming infatuated with someone else."

Apart from the end of the quote about being infatuated with another person, which I tend not to do - I would rather stew in my own despair, this quote fits me perfectly.

This isn't DH's fault, that I am this way. I don't blame him for my tendencies to lose myself in a relationship. He didn't make me this way.

What I am finding difficult about what is going on in my relationship right now is the sense of detachment I feel coming from his direction. It is some kind of indifference. I know that he loves me, because he has told me on many occasions and I believe him. What my inner self, my emotional self - my soul feel lately is this sense of loneliness that I cannot escape. I am tiptoeing around this relationship like a child in the dark. I don't know which way to step because I am afraid of releasing a land mine. I don't know who to be anymore because who I am - is not fitting properly.

I am afraid. Really afraid. I am afraid of losing someone whom I love a great deal. But I cannot spend the rest of my life sitting quietly and not expressing my opinions or feelings because the person I am with doesn't want to hear them when I am saying them. There never seems to be a good time to approach subjects that are controversial. Either we are; out, at home and busy or sleeping, and by then the time has passed and I am asked why I am bringing up something that happened in the past.

I am so fucking confused I don't know which way is up anymore. I spend more time alone lately than I did living on my own in Canada. Which apparently has everything to do with me not making an effort to talk.

I do know that I didn't spend all these years missing someone who I would just give up on because we are experiencing problems. I love him more than that.

Nothing is perfect, I know that. I also know that both parties have to make an effort in a relationship for it to work. Sometimes that balance is thrown off for whatever reason. It is the love and understanding and willingness to make it better that drives it forward and past the problems. I pray for all these things to intervene for us now.

I pray that in this time of darkness, we will find each other and help each other back into the light.

Until next time,

jennifer

Help

2011-05-21T03:55:00.001-07:00

I know... blog neglect. I have no excuse, it is just what it is. I haven't managed to sit down and write anything. Today, there are things to say. I could actually use some womanly advice today. Because I just don't get men anymore. I just don't. I try to understand... maybe it's me. Maybe it is the cultural difference. Maybe I am just so fucked up that I am beyond being able to stabilize myself in a relationship. I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that the more I try to bend and adjust, the more I seem to be suffocating who I am. Or maybe that isn't it at all. Maybe I am just a difficult bitch who can't be happy.

I have this feeling inside my chest all the time now that feels like I have some kind of evil spirit living in there (like a little gnome or something) that is eating at my insides. I know that deep down I am a kind and generous person who has lots of love to give out. There is another part of me that just wants to hit something or someone until they feel as bad as I do. Does any of this make sense?

I realized the other day that maybe I am trying to find the DH that I knew when I was 20. And I suppose that I am in some kind of mourning for a person that no longer exists. He left this place a very long time ago. I feel incredible amounts of personal guilt about this because I think that this is because of what I did. I think there is this large part of me that I have never admitted to wanting to have the life back that I had back then. Which, when I think about it with my head, just isn't realistic. I mean, what person in their 40's is the same person they were in their 20's? Life happens to people, their experiences make them into the person they are today. It is inevitable. Even I can say that I am not the same person I was then. So, why am I expecting him to be? I know in my head it is unfair to expect such, but my heart just aches for what I have lost. The time, the experiences, the love. I gave so so much up such a long time ago and I so want to go back in time and give myself a giant smack for making such a stupid choice.

I think one of the most difficult things about marriage is not expecting the person to whom you are married to change for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting them to be the best person they can be - I think that comes from a place of love. But when it comes to change, they have to want it - not just you. They have to want to be that person for you. When that isn't happening, it's hard and painful and it just plain sucks.

I know - all of this is very cryptic. I am just confused and lost and I feel so lonely that I could just shrivel up and disappear. I miss the DH of my heart - my hero, my strength, the person who showed me that anything is possible, who was never afraid, who spent every minute showing me how very much he loved me. I miss that person so much. I know DH loves me still, but he allows himself to be so occupied by the stress and chaos in his life that I feel as if I have to get in line to have the spot in his life that I used to occupy naturally.

Right now, he is lying beside me sleeping. S is here visiting for the weekend, and he had to get up around 6am with him. Part of me really feels sad and empathetic for him because he is constantly tired. The other part of me feels frustration towards him because he should have more energy and life shouldn't exhaust him so. His energy level is just non existent. Then, when he does feel energy it is for activities that aren't necessarily beneficial to him or his health. It is kind of like watching a train heading for a really horrible crash and you don't know how to stop it.

I know this. I love him more than I love myself. Every time that I look at him I feel that love but I just don't know how to make what we are doing work because I don't know how to get through all the walls he has put up around him. I am just lost and my heart just hurts so much.

I need guidance, and advice and someone to talk to about all this. So blog, you're it. You are all I have right now. Maybe by putting this out there, I will get something back. Whatever it is, I hope it helps.

Until next time,

Jennifer

Me, the Mouse and Malaria

2011-05-06T02:30:00.000-07:00

Well, teenie left last night. I held in my upset long enough for her to go, but then it all came out. The events preceeding her departure didn't really help matters. That's all I will say about that. What I do want to say is that I miss her terribly and I am thinking of her as she continues her journey today. I told her to have a Timmies for me and a hamburger. (really good hamburgers are sorely lacking in Lagos - however, if anyone knows where I can get one, I would greatly appreciate the tip)

In other news, I have malaria. This is my first time and I can't say too much about it except that the sweating is disconcerting. I have never ever sweat this much in my life. I am already on meds, but I just feel exhausted and worn out. I am wondering how long it will be until I feel better. The fact that I am still staying in the money pit (this is what I am now calling our current residence) and this place is probably where the offending mosquito came from is not at all reassuring.

Oh yeah, I found a dead mouse last night inside the trap we set in the parlour (for Canadians, this is what they call the living room here). Yuch and double yuch. Now I have to go out and find more traps for when his friends come to his funeral. Blech. This place grosses me out more each and everyday. In fact, I'm so exhausted right now that I am seriously considering joining teenie. I'm just plain old worn out.

That's it for now. Not much good stuff for you. My oyinbo tip for this post is to stay away from the damn mosquitoes in this country and to protect yourself!!! Be well.

Until next post,

Jennifer

Total and utter chaos

2011-05-02T12:17:00.001-07:00

Where to begin. Teenie came. Chaos ensued. Teenie has been living a life of a Canadian girl. On top of that, I'm afraid that I have spoiled my girl due to parental guilt, and just plain indulgence because for a long time she was my only child. I haven't done her any favors. In fact, I think in some ways I have created a bit of a monster. She isn't a girl who obeys her parents (which is a BIG HUGE problem here), she wants to do her own thing (ditto BIG HUGE problem here), she yells back when provoked, doesn't like chores, wants all the comforts of home ... shall I go on?

Needless to say this has not gone over well with DH. In fact, there have been 2 really bad episodes of flat out fighting between the 2 of them in the 3 weeks she has been here.

Now, teenie is going home to Canada. Things just aren't working out here and she has decided that her 18 year old self is going to try and make it on her own in the big city. Well, actually she has someone to stay with so it isn't like she will deboard the plane and be all alone.

She is leaving before Mother's Day. Which makes me sad, but I understand why she is leaving.

In other news, we have moved to our place in Lekki. It has plumbing problems, a whole in the ceiling, bugs the size of housecats, generator problems and the a/c is iffy. I seriously need to get myself one of those oyinbo jobs here with housing. Not that I don't appreciate the fact that someone is letting me squat in his place for a few months, it is just that I don't know if I am cut out for this. I have gotten used to the nice shower in VI, the gen on weekends and from 3:30 onward (gen that I don't have to worry about), the access to restaurants, stores etc. I have been... spoiled. In a way, I find it kind of ironic that the things I take for granted in Canada are the same things that make me spoiled here. I just don't know if I have the stuff to deal with this country in it's real form again. It has been over 8 months since I did it last (in Ilesa) and honestly, I have forgotten what it is really like.

I'm tired. I have the stupid stomach thing again and the meds are tiring me out. I have a headache that would stop a giant in his tracks. I'm too old for this shit. I told DH tonight that I either want to get a job where they give us decent housing, or I want to get the hell out of this country. But - I want him to come with me. Therein lies the catch my dear reader.

So, utter chaos. This is my current status.

I am under the influence of heavy pain meds at the moment so I am trying to think of my oyinbo tip for the day. I guess it is when it comes to dealing with people here in a customer service environment, try to remember that they feel as if they are doing you a favour by serving you. It will help with the frustration level if you keep this in mind.

Until next time,

Jennifer

The role of Nigerian women

2011-04-23T03:03:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned, teenie is now here. She is adjusting (slowly) to life here. There is a definite adjustment to be made given that her freedom to go out and about as she pleases is just not an option here. DH has been trying to help her adjust to her new environment and this has resulted in many interesting discussions between the two of them about the culture here.

Recently, we were all talking about the role of women in this society. What I have observed during my time here is that this country remains patriarchal in a way that North America just is not anymore. Teenie has already noticed this. Now I am going to preface this by saying that there are always exceptions to every rule and also that there are Nigerian women who are paving the feminist road slowly but surely. They work, are independent and some of them are even single mommies.

Here is the thing though. DH was explaining that men here tend to stray once married. As he explained it, one of the main sources of male entertainment here is to spend time with one's male friends drinking. When men are participating in this ritual, they don't often have women with them. In particular, they don't bring their wives. If there are women present, it is more often the girlfriends that show up. As I understand what was explained to me, this is due to the fact the drinking table is not an appropriate place for wives.

In response, teenie and I both said that at one time, the wife was the girlfriend. She was a young, vibrant woman who made the man happy. Who made him laugh. She was someone he wanted to take out to the bar once in a while. Once she has children, the stress of the responsibility of taking care of the children, the house, the chores etc. is the very thing that causes her to change. It is my opinion that if this role was shared more equally, then perhaps the woman wouldn't be exhausted and look tired. Maybe if she felt that her husband wanted to spend time with her without the kids once in while, she would feel better about herself thus making her feel some of her youth once again.

Hey, maybe I am all wrong about this. Maybe these women are satisfied with their situation. Personally, I can't see why they would be, but that is me. I mean I know one guy who is pretty young, has money and a beautiful wife at home with 2 kids. He still has a girl on the side - who he brings to the drinking table I might add. How do I know this? Because DH brings ME to the drinking table. And often, I am the only woman there. He doesn't want to leave me alone at home and he doesn't have a woman on the side. (and don't think that I can't hear you thinking how I know that for sure.... well, I do)

Let me know your thoughts dear reader. I want to know your opinions on women's roles here in Nigeria. Am I wrong?

My oyinbo (I realize that I have been spelling this incorrectly) tip for this post is about staring. Staring at white folks and mixed folks for that matter (teenie) is pretty common here. And it isn't like staring in Canada where you catch someone staring at you and they look away. Oh no. It is the kind of staring that is blatant. You look at them staring at you and they still stare. Like you are the day's entertainment. Very disconcerting when you first experience it.

Hang in there. You get used to it. I can't tell you that it will stop - cause it won't. Just one of those things you have to ... manage. (you knew I was gonna say that one today didn't ya??? ;)

Until next time,

Jennifer

ps. Love to my familia - DH, teenie, cutie and Sean. Love you all.

House search woes

2011-04-16T03:42:00.000-07:00

What is that expression about the best laid plans??? I think one of the major lessons I have learned during my stay in Nigeria has been that one can make plans, but those plans must be flexible. If you are the type of person who makes plans and expects them to go exactly as you imagine, this isn't the place for you.

I recently finished the book Eat, Pray, Love. There is a discussion in the book about having one word that describes you. For me, that word is "manage". I have become excellent at managing one thing or another. By manage, I mean that I am tolerating whatever it is I am dealing with at a specific moment and time because I don't really have any other choice in the matter.

My oyibo (oyinbo? sp?) tip for this week will therefore be that in order to find contentment in Nigeria, one must be flexible, patient and MANAGE. If you cannot do these things, if you are a type A personality and need constant control - forget it. You will spend endless hours and days of frustration.

I am no longer going to be staying in Ibadan. It isn't that I didn't like it, I did. It is a lovely city with many lovely areas in it. It is the hunting for the house that did me in. To RENT a place, one needs to have money for a) the rent for one year or more for the actual place, b) money to pay the agent and his/her entourage that have brought you to see the place (and just to warn newbies, the agent will bring one or more people with them somewhere along during the house search process) c) money for whatever legal/admin costs said agent has come up with. These last fees can run you anywhere from 500 to 1000 dollars (US) on top of the rent. If you are not completely frustrated with the whole process after all this, try asking to meet with the actual person you are renting from - ie. the owner of the place. The agent doesn't let you anywhere near them. Why? Because they might find out how much they are jacking up the cost to make money for themselves and their entourage.

I ask you, WHY? Why is it necessary to have this shady dealing? The only benefit to checking for housing outside of Lagos is that in Lagos, you are expected to pay for 2 years. How the average Nigerian pays this is beyond me cause it can run into the millions of Naira. In Ibadan, they are asking for one year, but the "fees" still exist. And when they see me there, it gets more expensive. Sigh....

It makes me long for rent control and the Landlord and Tenant Act. Sigh again.

So, an update on my status??? I have been assisted with a place to stay in Lekki (yeah, I know!) until August. By then, we have to find someplace else.

Teenie arrived safely last Friday and has been enjoying herself this week learning all the ins and outs of this country. Today is an election day here so we are indoors. 2 more Saturdays to go.

I am managing. I continue to try to improve my ability to be flexible. I have no regrets though. I am where I know that I should be.

Until next time,

Jennifer

Ibadan in April

2011-04-05T05:20:00.000-07:00

I have been out of Lagos for the past few days, without any kind of internet access so I am blaming my lack of net access on my not updating more frequently as promised. Now, I am in Ibadan, which DH tells me is the largest city in Africa and from the looks of it, I can believe that. This city is huge. The houses outside the car window go on and on for what seems like forever. It is here that DH and I are currently looking for a new place to live. Lagos is expensive to say the least and we can get more for the money here in Ibadan. Plus, it isn't so far from Lagos that we can't get there if need be. I kinda like the idea of living here. It is kind of a happy medium between Lagos and Ilesa. Ilesa has NO internet access and the town is small. Living there permanently would be like trying to live in a cottage town permanently which, is nice when you are older and are ready to relax, but with us being the ages we are, needing to work, and having teenie here, it just isn't feasible to stay in Ilesa. So, here we are real estate hunting in Ibadan.

Yesterday, I sent a very long and involved e-mail to teenie explaining step by step how to get here safely from Canada. I know that she will be fine - she leaves this Thursday and by Friday at 3:30, teenie will officially be in Africa. I'm excited for her, for DH and for us as we embark on this new phase of our lives together. May God guide us all in the right direction.

I have been thinking about filling this blog with a bit about my take on Nigeria and what I have experienced here as a white woman. You know, good food spots, how to cope in certain situations you may experience, that kind of thing. To start, I would like to say that I have become quite fond of semovita and egusi soup. Really, very yummy. The one thing to keep in mind is that it hits your stomach like a ton of bricks. Heavy stuff. I do recommend it though, it is definitely worth a try. DH likes it when I eat this because he shares it with me. "There is love in sharing your food", he tells me. I like that. And it's true.

Until next time,

Jenni (love u DH, safe travels teenie... see you friday!)

I'm back

2011-03-27T08:43:00.000-07:00

I'm back in Lagos. Yep, in fact, I have been back for one week already. I'm nursing a developing cold right now which I think is mainly caused by very cold a/c blowing on me all night long. Damn immune system. I love me some travelling, but my body isn't so quick to adjust. What I will say is that I am enjoying being able to go outside sans un manteau. It's so so nice.

I was very happy to see DH again. We had a bit of a moment at the airport where we didn't see each other, but such is the state of MMIA. A crowded sometimes crazy airport. Anyway, the important thing is I made it.

In a little less than 2 weeks, teenie will be here. Sometimes I have to remind myself that it is in fact happening because she has never been to Africa before. It is going to change her in ways I never thought possible. I'm so excited for her and for DH. They have much catching up to do.

That's about it for me for now. I will try to be more regular with my reports from now on. Promise.

Until next time,

Jennifer

17 years... one year later

2011-03-07T20:04:00.000-08:00

Exactly one year ago tonight, I was preparing to travel to Germany with teenie. We were going to stay with her uncle, and teenie was to meet her dad, DH, for the first time. It was a very exciting trip. It marked the title of this blog, the ending of 17 years of being apart. The beginning of what would become quite a rollercoaster of a year.

One year later, I am reflecting on the decisions I have made, the things I have accomplished, my mistakes, and the outcome of it all. The story isn't over yet. Not by a long shot. When I can finally say that my family is under the same roof, then this blog will come to an end. Until then, it remains a journey.

I would love to return to Germany. It was beautiful and despite my lack of knowledge of the German language, I would still consider living there. It's an option. For now, my home is with DH in Lagos, and there I will return in 2 weeks time. Teenie will follow me a couple of weeks later. I am excited to see how she discovers the part of her that exists in Africa. She is nervous, but I know that being there is going to change her in so many ways.

My regret comes this Friday. I won't speak of it in too much detail other than to say that I am making a leap of faith and trusting in God that my decision to do so is the right one.

While on the subject of faith and God, I want to take the end of this post to thank God for the blessings he has bestowed upon me. Not many people get a second chance with the person that they love and for this, I am truly grateful. It was Mummy A's wish that DH and I be together and there are times when I know that she is smiling down upon us and guiding our way. I think that for her to see that her granddaughter has journeyed to her home would make her wishes complete.

Although this journey of mine is sometimes tough (whose isn't?) when I look at the things I have gained in the past year, I realize how lucky I am to have the chance to take my life in hand and live it to the fullest.

That is exactly what I plan to continue to do.

Until next post,

Jennifer (love u DH, T, S, and to C ... I will hold you in my heart)

February ending.... yeah!

2011-02-25T17:29:00.000-08:00

As I reach the end of February, I am beginning to plan my return to Nigeria. I am going back on the 22nd of March. I have to start working (yes, I am going to work there), and my return ticket is booked for that date. My plan is to take teenie with me, but things are looking a little bit like she might have to join me there rather than travel with me. What is it they say about the best laid plans??? I would still prefer to bring her with, but this mainly depends on the moola situation for the next few weeks and also how fast I can manage a visa for her if the moola situation should improve. Sometimes I wonder how I can have so much on my waiting to do plate and not fall over from the weight of holding the damn thing.

I was looking back on my posts pre-July to refresh on what I was talking about before leaving. Mostly grumpiness. I realize that there are things about myself I would like to change and the main one is my moodiness. I am really trying to be a more positive person and more spiritual. While I was in Lagos, I attended church and actually quite liked it. One of the things I never liked about the church I was raised into was the solemness of it. Well, there was nothing solemn about the service I attended in Lagos. There was singing and happiness and praising and it was just really inviting. Honestly, I don't really know how I would have come this far on this trip without prayer. It has really helped me so much.

I miss DH so much and I am worried about him there. He is sounding down and he told me that he would like it if I could come back now. I think this trip has really taught us something valuable about cherishing the people in your life. I think we are both slow learners... you'd think that we would have realized that before!? Sometimes it takes more than you think to give you perspective.

As much as I want to hop on a plane tomorrow, I still have a couple of things to settle here. Plus, airlines charge way too much to change tickets. Ridiculous. No, really. There are things to settle. I want to go back knowing that I accomplished what I came here for. Then, I can return to my man, the warm weather, okadas, horn honking, nollywood movies, .... but mainly my man.

Love you DH.

Jennifer

Goodbye grandpa

2011-02-19T12:50:00.000-08:00

When I was a little girl, my parents split up. I lived with my mom, and the odd weekend I would see my dad. More often, my weekends would be spent with my paternal grandparents. I enjoyed my weekends with them and I was always very close to my grandpa. My mother often tells me stories of when I was a baby and she would hand me to my grandma and I would cry, but when she would hand me to my grandpa, I would always quiet right down. My grandma would accuse my mom of pinching me before handing me to her. This obviously wasn't the case. I think there has always been a special bond between me and my grandpa.

Last night, my grandpa passed away at the ripe old age of 94. Even though I knew that he wouldn't be with me forever, his passing is still very difficult for me.

This post is in his honour.

Grandpa, I loved you so much more than I ever told you. In the past few years, I haven't seen you nearly enough, but you remain in my heart. Thank you for teaching me how to make hamburg mash, how to solve a rubik's cube by writing the solution down on paper first, for showing me how to roll cigarettes when I was little (long story - I didn't smoke them! I just helped him roll his), for your banjo playing, for your incredible carpentry skills, for your sense of humour, for your quiet strength and for all the love you showed to me.

I will miss you always.

Love your granddaughter,

Jennifer

Valentine shmalentine

2011-02-15T09:21:00.000-08:00

It was Valentine's Day yesterday. I tried to ignore it, but I was forced to go out and buy something at the store and there it was; a line up of men buying flowers, candy and big balloons in the shape of hearts. Miserable. The cherry on top for me was the wind outside that nearly knocked me clear over while I was walking. I was also trying to avoid puddles because I was wearing my shoes. By the time I reached my grandmother's place, my shoes were soaking, I was shivering and I was swearing under my breath at all the damned people who were able to be with the person they love on Valentine's day.

Last weekend I visited a good friend which was a nice break for me. Teenager was having a temper tantrum about something just before I left and hasn't talked to me since then despite my trying to call her numerous times on her cell phone. She is still staying at my mother's place (until we leave in March) and it isn't making her very happy.

I won't even talk about things between me and my mother - let's just say that the sooner I get away from her, the better. I wish I could tell you that I had a good relationship with her, but that isn't the case and I'm afraid it is going to stay that way.

I spoke to DH a couple of times yesterday and wished him happy V-day and he told me that he was hiding out trying to avoid the existence of the day too. We are a pair. The stress of all this seems to be getting to us and I think right now we are just tired. February in Canada sucks the big one and trying to get things done outdoors here is terrible. It is cold, dark, dreary and full of sick people. Blech.

Wow - this is post is such an upper huh? The highlight of yesterday for me had to be getting my flu shot. That should say it all.

So, let's update. Still trying to find moola, still have to take teenie to get her shots, get her a visa and her ticket. 5 weeks today the plane leaves. Pressure? Non. ;)

DH has S. with him today and I think that has lightened his mood somewhat. It has been sometime since they have seen each other and he told me that he has him until Sunday. I am very happy that they are getting some time together but I can't help thinking about DH seeing the other woman when he drops S. off. That woman is my nemesis and I just can't find anything to like about her at all. I don't trust her either.

So, nothing much else to report. I hope to have something more positive to say later this week. Otherwise I am going to scare off the 3 readers I have....

Until next time,

Jenni

ps. Love u DH - you are my valentine forever. xoxox

Sunday stuff

2011-02-06T16:47:00.001-08:00

I have about 6 more weeks of this Canadian weather to endure, then I am once again departing for warmer climes, egusi, indomie, Gordon's Spark, and my DH. This time, with teenie.

Today being Sunday, I didn't get too too much accomplished. I have things on the agenda for tomorrow and I am hoping that there isn't too much snow on the ground because as I have already said, my mother gave away all my footwear, so I have one pair of runners (Converse at that!) to walk around in this Canadian winter. This too shall pass. One of the best things I heard in Nigeria was when people would tell me that everything is temporary. I love that concept because it attempts to help one understand that you shouldn't wallow. And I am a supreme wallow-er. Just ask DH, it drives him nuts.

Anyway, here I sit and have nothing much to report. Just trying to figure out how to get moola. Did some chores for my grandmother today, worked out, watched the boob tube, made and ate chili and here I am.

Oh yeah, I spent some time listening to my family gossip about me, and spent 10 horrible minutes with my mother while she tried to bond with me. This is a long story, but let's just say that ain't happening anytime soon. In fact, anytime now I am gonna burst a vein, get some guts, and tell her exactly what is on my mind. I didn't want her crying to my grandmother (especially since I am currently in her house) so I decided to refrain from expressing myself fully today. I'm no longer afraid, I am just trying to manage.

I miss DH terribly and wish like hell he was here. I really need his support.

Until tomorrow,

Jennifer

xo to my DH. 4ever and 22 days.

I wish I wish I wish

2011-02-05T16:18:00.001-08:00

I wish that I could say that things are going well. I wish that I could blog of some miracle that has occurred in answer to my many prayers for guidance. I wish that I could tell you that I am sitting beside DH while I am writing this. I wish.

The truth is, I am back in Canada - freezing my ass off - writing this post. The truth is....

I had to come here to get teenie. You see, there are things I have left out of my beloved blog. Things that I just haven't been able to blog about. Things about my messed up life that I just haven't been able to post because the last thing I need right now is judgment. But this is MY blog and right now it is the only place that I can post MY truth. So here goes.

When I left for Lagos, I was scheduled to return in September. To the kids and the life I had here. The thing is, my life here wasn't happy. I was suffocating and everyday I felt as if I couldn't take my life the way it was going one moment longer. I love my kids - I really do and I always will, but I feel as if I need to be fulfilled myself in order to be able to give them something to look up to. I know this sounds selfish, but I really don't feel in my heart that it is. I have been raising teenie since I was 21 years old. I chose to do it on my own... for reasons that I have already explained in this blog. For reasons that I regret everyday of my life because right now I could be blogging about the 17 years I spent with DH instead of those I spent without him. Anyway, while I was in Nigeria, I decided to stay. I explained this to teenie on the phone and asked her to come and join me - but she said no. She was angry (with reason) and upset and she just couldn't consider it. She decided to stay in Canada. Cutie ended up staying with her dad - who hasn't spoken to me since then. (that is a whole different story that i will leave out of this for now) My mother wrote me the most horrible e-mail I have ever received in my life telling me that I was abandoning my kids, that I was selfish and horrible and that if she could, she would reach over the ocean and slap me. Then she said that she could raise teenie better than me and that teenie would be coming to live with her. They would make arrangements to empty my apartment (for which I sent money) at the end of October. My mom gave away ALL of my clothes, my shoes, my winter coats - and sold almost everything else. Then she sent me a list of all the things of mine she gave away - by e-mail - and told me that she now knew why I never had money.

The decision I made to stay in Nigeria was VERY hard because of my kids. I felt very strongly that I was making it for good reasons. DH and I planned on making a stable life for all of our kids and we would begin working on it right away. I made sure that teenie was clear that whenever she wanted, she could change her mind and come to stay with us. As far as cutie was concerned, I knew her dad wouldn't let her come, so I decided to focus on the things that I could control and move forward from there.

In September, I ended my employment. I was fortunate to get a severence for my years of work and when we found out about it, DH and I were excited about the things that we would be able to do with it. Then, it came. We left Ilesa and travelled to Lagos. The first couple of days we stayed in a nice hotel as a break after leaving Ilesa. It was nice ... I do believe I blogged about it. There were problems accessing the funds from Canada in Nigeria. Basically, I had to rely on wiring it via WUnion and couldn't get it transferred in a lump sum. This made things difficult in terms of executing plans. Then... everything went to shit. I got into this whole mindset where I just wanted to eat out, stay in places with a/c and hot water and just completely lost my focus. I would get mad at DH about money related issues. For the sake of someone else's privacy - at this point in the story I am not going to elaborate too much over the specific things that happened with the money. Let's just say that the severence is now gone. And I have learned more than one lesson about how easy it is to spend money in Lagos. DH tried to get me to curb things and tried to take me back to Ilesa - but I didn't want any part of it. I just got caught up and ... it just became a mess.

Christmas came and the money was running out. We were staying in a guest house (for free) at the good grace of someone DH knows very well. He was very generous to give us a nice place to stay in VI. The stress of the money running out was wearing both of us down. We would have arguments about the spending, what we were going to do now, how difficult it is to have to try and live with a white woman in Lagos etc etc.

Then, the New Year came. Things got worse. DH cannot go back and stay where he was living before I came. The only place for us to go was Ilesa, and there DH's family (who isn't supportive) would know we were there. The thing is, there was this ongoing "assumption" by his family and friends that me being there was to ensure he got his papers and then he would return to Canada with me. When the papers didn't work out - things got even worse. There were arguments about me not starting the PR papers with the severence money - not contacting the lawyer here when I should have. DH got very upset and angry - I think it is because everytime he looked at me, he would see responsibility that somehow he couldn't figure out how to manage. He just didn't know what to do next. I have heard many times that it is inconceivable to have a white woman around and not to be able to forsee the possibility of leaving the country. DH hates living in Nigeria - he wants to get out. I want to get him out - I guess I just keep fucking it up.

My last couple of weeks in Lagos were hard. We had to find a way for me to come here and get teenie - because she is NOT getting along with my mother anymore. Teenie wants to come to Nigeria. I have a return ticket for March, but now I am trying to secure her a ticket, her visa and shots. I have no job and my attempts to get something temporary here have been unsuccessful to date. I have nothing left here. Cutie's dad is taking me to court. I am staying with my grandmother until it is time for me to leave - and I am trying to hide the fact that I have no money. I don't qualify for EI. DH isn't any better off in Lagos. He is trying to find his way too. We have left each other again and I have to tell you - it hurts like hell. Another fucking airport scene. He is my best friend and I love him so much and I really need him right now - but we are just so far apart and still arguing from the stress of it all.

Someone in Lagos who knows DH very well told me something shortly before I left. He said, "You know, DH is different now that you are here, he looks calmer and more centered and happier." I like to think that it true for both of us. At the end of the day, we are good for each other. Mistakes have been made, by both of us, but I feel like 17 years apart required sometime to get to know and understand one another again. People make mistakes. It just seems as if we didn't have room for any.

I am so unhappy right now. I am staying in a place near my mother - whom I cannot stand anymore. I feel as if everyone is judging me daily for my decisions. And right now, DH just doesn't know what to do with me over there. I am trying so hard to make sense of everything, but all I know for sure is this. I still love DH with ALL my heart and I just want to make him happy. I want us to be together as a family. I just need some help. Some support. Someone to come along and say, "here - let me help you with all of this". I guess I am too old for such wishes now.

For now, I just cry myself to sleep hoping that tomorrow, it will be better. Or that tomorrow, I will again wake up beside DH and realize it was all a bad dream.

Until then,

Jennifer

Love the one you're with

2011-01-16T10:18:00.000-08:00

If someone had told me two years ago that I would be in Africa with DH now, I would have laughed hysterically. I spent many years imagining what my life would be like with DH in it again, but I guess that deep down it seemed like that one elusive thing.

Now, I am here. All I have ever dreamed of is to have my family… DH and the kids all together under the same roof. This week, the Canadian Embassy denied DH’s application to visit Canada. Insufficient traveling funds, not enough proof of his connection to his daughter and not believing that he will return here were the given reasons. There is no appeal. My dreams of having us all together under one roof have been trampled on by a bureaucrat, sitting at her desk, deciding about the fate of my life. I have been given a verdict by someone who doesn’t know me, my family, our history, and has judged us on what she read on a bunch of paper. And there is no appeal.

What we now face is 18+ months and significant lawyers fees to begin a PR application. Which is do able on paper. When applied to life, this means 18+ months at least apart with no guarantee of success. When you are in your 40’s and have kids, that kind of time isn’t something you want to have to manage. There are other things that need to go on (like life) during that time. It is insulting for my government to assume that people should stop their lives waiting for due process.

I am fully aware of what life is like in Nigeria and knowing this, my main goal is to be able to leave here with DH. He has expressed his wish to travel back here from time to time and I get that because I want teenie to come here as well. But DH and I both know that we can’t live here permanently without being able to leave now and then. Anyone who has lived here and has traveled out will understand what I mean.

Unless you are filthy rich, intimately connected with the government here (thereby making you filthy rich) staying here in comfort for any length of time is difficult to say the least. If this weren’t the case, I wouldn’t have at least 3 people tell me everyday that they want to leave.

We aren’t filthy rich, and both of us have each other. That’s about it. So, now we have to make a difficult decision about me possibly heading to Canada for a couple of months to tidy things up, get some moola and do more tidying. What pains me most is leaving DH with all of this. My heart hurts just thinking about it. We are each others support, counsel and best friend. At the very time we need each other the most, our situation is asking us to separate. Again.

Right now I am suffering from some kind of stomach bug which just won’t go away and this is not making things any better. I feel exhausted and right now I am sustaining myself on toast and Indomie. I have to say that it is the worst kind of weight loss plan.

I pray daily for some guidance, for a miracle, for some intervention. I am trying to hard to be strong and focused, but the emotions are getting the better of me.

For everyone out there who has their family around them, the person you love, your kids, all under one roof, be thankful. Kiss them. Tell them how much you cherish the fact that you can all be together anytime.

I can’t emphasize enough that what you have, is truly a gift.

Until next time,

Jennifer

xo DH, teenie, cutie, and S. I love you all.

And they lived happ.... yeah, right.

2011-01-12T13:29:00.000-08:00

There are a millions cliché’s about life. The fact remains that life is messy, and incredibly difficult. Maybe that is what makes the moments of joy so fulfilling. I don’t know. I used to worry about my youngest daughter watching too many princess movies because I know the message that comes along with them. That Happily Ever After bullshit. I think I have discussed my feelings about happy endings before in this blog.

Well, on the subject of happy endings – here is where mine is at currently. The embassy in their infinite “wisdom” sent us a response. I wish like hell I could say that a celebration is in order – but I cannot. Life isn’t like that. In fact, all I can say from my current emotional state (which doesn’t involve a whole lot of straightforward thinking at the moment) is what I feel that I deserve and what life is handing me are polar opposites. I can’t even tell you that I am angry because anger isn’t an emotion that I can muster at the moment. I am trembling from cold as I send this and I don’t know it is from the insane pain I am feeling inside my body or from the a/c blowing on me. I have a sweater on but it isn’t helping me at all.

I am faced with making a decision about my life … within the next 2 days or so … about the following.

- Where I will live on a semi-permanent basis.

- My kids

- The person I want to spend the rest of my life with

- A job

- A house

- Money

Small stuff, non??

I wish that I could say that I have mucho advice available to me right now to help through this transition. I can’t. I wish I could say that I am feeling loved and supported right now. I can’t. I wish I could say that I am incredibly strong and have everything in hand. I can’t.

I’m a mess. I can’t even think of today’s events without crying my eyes out – which isn’t making the life of the person with me very good at all. I think crying is outlawed in this country – for sissies. Well, too fucking bad, because it is all raw feeling from here on in. I feel so empty and raw and hurt and in pain that I can barely breathe. I can’t find it in me to find something to support DH because I just don’t have it right now. I just don’t. In fact, this whole thing is making some giant mess of us and that makes the pain even fucking worse. I have never felt so alone in my whole life than right this moment.

Something inside me every once in while whispers that maybe this is me getting what I deserve. I would like to think that I have not been such a horrible person that this is what I deserve – but maybe that is how I am gonna have to understand all of this. I must have been pretty fucking bad though.

There is a line in a movie that goes something like, “I’m at the end of my rope.” To which the other person responds, “Then tie a noose and slip it over your head.”

If there was ever a time in my life when I needed some divine intervention, this would be it.

Help.

My grown up Christmas wish

2010-12-19T03:45:00.000-08:00

I know it has been sometime since I last posted. Almost one month. I am still here in Lagos and approaching my first Christmas away from home... ever. The weather here has made it hard for me to feel seasonal (there must be something to the theory that weather, smells, familiar scenes can inspire sentiments).

DH and I are waiting for a response from the Cdn Embassy regarding his visa application. Can I tell you what my Christmas wish is?

I wish all my readers a very happy holiday season and all the best in 2011. May all of our dreams come true and may we enjoy each and everyday we have with those we love. That is what makes life worth living.

Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night. Peace.

Update - Lagos, Visas, Prostitutes and more!

2010-11-21T02:20:00.000-08:00

Since my brief trip back to Ilesa in October, I have been in Lagos. We are currently staying on Victoria Island which is where many mainland Lagosians work – but don’t live. The Island is expensive; the real estate, the shopping, the restaurants are all reflective of this. In most places, there is minimal light interruption (only incurred during the minute or 2 when they are switching the gen on or off) there is always water and where I am staying there is a hot shower. As an oyibo, this is an ideal location because I am able to experience many of the comforts of home. An added bonus to our current abode is that it is gratis – we have been allowed to stay here because the man who owns the place is a family friend of DH.

During our stay here, we have been working on obtaining a visa for DH to travel with me back to Canada. We have been researching the process and reading through the many forms required for the application. Honestly, Canadians have a thing for forms. There are 4 in total and each one has multiple pages. The Canadian government has perfected the art of getting all the info they need via forms thus never having to actually have any personal contact with people. Ironic for a country that has a reputation for being friendly. Y’all know that I am bitter when it comes to my country’s immigration system. For once, I would just like to be pleasantly surprised. I will let you know when that happens.

Yesterday, I went to the market on Lagos Island. I loved it. It was crowded and I got bumped into, people were calling me oyibo, it was hot as all get out, but I still had a great time. I told DH that people cannot come and visit Nigeria without having the experience of shopping in that market. I certainly didn’t get to see the whole market, I don’t think that is do-able in one day. We stayed mainly in the area where they sell clothing. I hope to be able to go back at least once before leaving.

In the evening, DH and I went to a bar that is located on the water near Lekki. Very nice spot – the view is beautiful, the drinks are reasonably priced and the food is good. Many expats go there on their way home from work. We were there later in the evening, but it wasn’t crowded. There is one drawback to the place but to be fair, this is not the only place in Lagos that I have encountered the same problem. Prostitutes. Wherever there are expats, there are prostitutes. I don’t know what it is about the white men who come to work in this country, but many MANY of them use prostitutes. Why? The really objectionable thing for me is that most times, they are really old men and they are swooning all over these tiny young Nigerian girls. My head screams dirty old man every time I observe them. It’s disgusting. I won’t even start on the fact that most of these men probably have wives at home and whatever it is they are doing here, will follow them home to their wives. I can’t help wondering if this is one of the perks presented to men who have the option of coming to work here.

The house where I am currently staying is a guest house. There are a couple of older Lebanese men staying here. One of them has talked to me about his family back home – his kids, his wife etc. Every Sunday, this same man has a prostitute come and spend the day with him. They smooch, cook together, and then go upstairs to his room. DH tells me that she comes for the money and the food. (and that the money is minimal at best) The girl is about 1/3 of his age.

This is something that I will NEVER get used to about this country.

Okay, off of my high horse.

Christmas is quickly approaching and I cannot get into the spirit at all because the summer weather is affecting my Canadian mentality. I am surprised at how much weather can trigger feelings for certain events. I expect the November chill, the smell of fireplaces in the air, the scarf around my neck. Instead, I step outside and it is 90 degrees in the shade and not a snowflake in sight. I never thought I would miss the cold weather, but I do. And I miss my girls. Whenever I think about these things, I remind myself of my resolve to not leave this country without my DH. I have not gone through everything I have gone through to leave him again. I will stay here until he can step on that plane and come with me. He is a part of my life that I am no longer willing to live without – not even because immigration says so.

So, that’s a semi-update on the goings on here in Nigeria.

Until next post,

Jennifer

Guest post

2010-11-10T07:39:00.000-08:00

The following is a guest post from my darling DH. Sigh. He melts my heart this man....

___________________________________________________

Thank you for appreciating my little effort and i know i have not done much compare to what you have done.However, i want you to know that i love you and i want you to be a happy person.

I do understand the pressure you are going through in this new environment, but i will always be with you, support you and care for you always.

I know i worry a lot about you, this is because i wouldn't want us to make a mistake this time around. i understand how you feel about my ex, really it is issue we have to handle with utmost care and trust.

A very special thanks

2010-11-09T03:36:00.000-08:00

After reading my last post, I asked DH his thoughts. He told me that he is keeping them to himself mainly because if he disagrees with anything, then I will ask him why he bothered reading it and if he tells me that he understands that I will tell him he is lying.

I have been thinking about whether in my current emotional state whether I am being balanced in my blogging. I am not saying that what I have posted here is untrue. Not at all. What I am saying is that perhaps I should give someone his due.

Since I arrived here, DH has done many things to make me comfortable and happy. I know that he spends a great deal of time worrying whether or not I am okay. For that, I don’t thank him enough. In fact, I don’t think I thank him at all most of the time. The thing about having someone very close to you is that the person can become your sounding board and you can forget that they need reassurance and the occasional, thanks for what they are doing. So, this post is my thank you.

Thank you for looking out for me everyday and doing all that you can to make me comfortable here. I know that sometimes I don’t make that very easy.

Thank you for telling me that you love me each and everyday. I love you so very much and I don’t know that I tell you that enough.

Thank you for showing me that people can have unlimited forgiveness in their hearts – for real. I really admire that quality in you.

I know that your life has changed a lot since I came here – and I thank you for taking it all in stride. I tend to focus on what has changed in my life and I want you to know that I understand and appreciate what you have changed for me.

I know that we will work out the things that are between us because of the love that we share together. Despite being apart for 17 years, there is still love and that is a powerful thing.

I want you to know that I trust you and I do believe me when you tell me that you are trying your best. Please know that I am also trying my best to make our relationship what I know it can be.

Thank you. I love you.

Jenni xo

Dear Abby... or whoever answers first

2010-11-04T08:02:00.000-07:00

While thinking about writing this post, I re-read some of my earlier posts. I realized that as much as I would like to think that I am always open with this blog, I edit myself. I’m not sure why that is, since this is supposed to be therapeutic for me … like a diary of sorts. Maybe because I know who reads it semi-regularly. Despite this, I have decided to post what I want to because in the end, I want this blog to be true more than anything else. Otherwise, I don’t see the point.

All that being said, today’s post is about asking for advice. I have realized that I am in a place (in my head) that I don’t know quite how to cope and I am hoping that whomever still reads this blog will give me some help. Or maybe I am just putting it out there to the universe and asking for some divine assistance. Either way, I am hoping to get something out of this one.

When I arrived here, within a couple of days I met the other woman (TOW). It wasn’t a meeting I was prepared for. When I say that, I mean I didn’t know that it was going to be at that time on that day. I knew I would meet her eventually… just not right then. The meeting was awkward for me but I think I put on a good brave face and was cordial in my polite, Canadian girl way. It was a brief meeting anyway. She told me how happy she was to meet me and I told her the same. That was about it.

After the initial meeting, we had another couple of brief meetings at the hotel where I was staying. During one of them, I wasn’t feeling very well and she prayed for me. For me, another awkward moment because for one, I am not used to people praying over me and two, I didn’t know what to say once she was finished. So, I thanked her.

Having never had to cope with an experience like this before ever, I don’t know if there is a way of coping with the feelings I experience while being in the presence of DH and the woman who is … technically still married to him. Add to this the fact that the two of them converse with each other in Yoruba in front of me and therefore I have no idea what they are saying to each other and you arrive at perhaps the most confusing situation I have ever come across. I fear that my delicate heart just doesn’t know what to do with itself. I have always considered myself a pretty strong woman and have been able to cope with some really awful things in my life, but this has me perplexed. Wait… it gets more complicated.

Following my initial hotel stay, I ended up staying at DH’s house for 2 weeks. TOW was still living there too. So, I tried to make the best of the situation. Although I have to admit that I gave in to some moments of confusion and anger. I don’t think that this is an inappropriate reaction. I think what surprised me is that DH was sort of casual about the whole thing. When I expressed my concern, he told me that I should speak to her directly about it. So… we spoke. I told her that I had concerns and she assured me that she knew and understood the whole situation and was moving on. Yep. I think my woman’s intuition should have jumped in with all sorts of red flags at this point. Mainly because I knew for a fact that she had sent DH e-mail prior to my arriving telling him that she would always love him no matter what. It was as if I was sitting there listening to some well orchestrated story telling to convince me of something that simply wasn’t true. The whole thing just felt fishy. I could feel my heart beating like it does when I know something bad is happening and I don’t know how to deal with it. Did I express my concerns or confront her with the knowledge that I had? Nope. I lied and told her that I was happy that we spoke and I felt better. I would like to admit that I had been drinking that day and that is what caused me to say such things, but I think it was more the fact that I knew that I was still staying in that house with her and him.

In retrospect, I don’t think I handled it at all because if it had gone well, I probably wouldn’t be writing this post. I watched her do the cooking and the laundry and I felt useless. I asked her once if I could help and she just smiled at me and said no – it’s fine. Even in North America, a woman’s kitchen is kind of her territory .. you know?

She took me to the market and left me standing there, in the dark, while she went off looking for what she needed. I am not sure how I ended up going, but again, I felt incredibly awkward. I stood there wondering what she felt about this white woman who had finally interfered into her world. And now she had to drag me to the market.

Nearing the end of my stay in DH’s place, there was an incident during which I couldn’t find my cell phone. Words were exchanged between DH and TOW in both English and Yoruba. It seems that she concluded that she was being blamed for the loss of the phone, which was never the case. There was a whole lot of yelling and then DH and I ended up leaving for Ilesa. As I recall, I kinda just stood there watching the two of them because I didn’t know what the heck to say. Again, awkward.

Fast forward to Ilesa. DH would receive phone calls from her on a semi regular basis. This is fine because S. was with us and she wanted to speak with him. I happened to walk in at the end of one conversation right at the point when DH said, “I love you” and then hung up. WTF??? When I asked about this, he explained to me that he was playing along with her and I didn’t understand what kind of woman she was. I can’t remember his exact words but there was also something about curses in there.

Then came the day that she showed up to get S. She asked for his things and DH had to go over to his sister’s to get them as S. had been visiting with her kids. While he was gone, I was left with TOW. During this time, she tried to explain to me her side of the story and how angry she was at DH and that she was going to take S. and never let him have access ever again. I told her that I preferred not to get involved in things, but I did say that I thought it best that they didn’t argue in front of S. (This is mainly because my parents used to fight in front of me and I still remember it)

When DH came back, his sister was also there. An argument ensued when DH heard her telling his sister that she did everything for us (including paying for numerous things) while we were staying in his house in Lagos. She then proceeded to drag S. off to go back to Lagos by bus. Not before walking over to the sister’s place, asking for transport money and telling her completely untrue things about me and DH.

After all that, she would call from time to time. Once, when I called her number she thought it was DH and answered the phone “Hi sweetheart” or something close to that.

There has been some other things that have happened since then, including a visit to her father’s house as a result of her behaviour in Ilesa. That in itself is a whole post.

As a woman who has had NO experience in this area before (did I already say that?) my head and my heart don’t know how to process all of this. DH and I have talked about her, and he has assured me that it is over between them. They do share a son, which I understand because I share a child with someone else as well. What I am confused about is how to deal with a woman who clearly isn’t really over DH and despite what she may or may not be doing with other men, is – I think – just waiting for me to leave Nigeria so that she can resume the life she had before.

Maybe I’m wrong. All I do know is how all this feels. Confusing. Complicated. Painful in a way that I have never felt before. I just don’t know the best way to deal with all of this. I want to be brave and deal with it in a way that I will be proud of later on, but I’m afraid that hasn’t been the case so far. Rather, I find myself behaving in the worst possible way because I just have so much feeling about all this that I want to break down and just cry.

I welcome advice.. positive and negative. And if nothing comes from readers, then maybe God. I just know that I need someone’s input.

Until next time,

Jennifer

Stuff and more stuff

2010-11-01T13:24:00.000-07:00

Despite my best attempts to post daily from here, I'm just not managing. It isn't for lack of trying, the fact is that trying to get things accomplished here takes 2 times longer than doing them anywhere else and if you don't account for the delays, then your day is gone before it has even begun. At this rate, I will be 50 in no time. The days pass so fast I cannot keep up.

I have so many things to talk about I don't know where to begin anymore. My impression of Nigeria after 4 months here? Hectic, loud, overwhelming, friendly, hot, unlike any other place. Truly.

What have I learned so far? Well, in terms of language, here is the extent of what I've managed to pick up and mangle with my Canadian accent (much to the amusement of the Nigerians who ask me to repeat what they are teaching me) --- please pardon any spelling errors.

Bawoni
Ekaro
How far?
Abi?
Oyibo

This isn't a very impressive list for 4 months. I am certain I have more - I will add them as I remember.

I have also learned that many expressions end with the letter o here.

Cultural lessons... this is DEFINITELY a patriarchal (sp?) country. Good grief.

As a white woman, I cannot go walking anywhere on my own. I am also expected to have piles of loot.

No matter where I am with DH, most people will address him before me. (see point 1 in this paragraph)

Almost everyone here expects to be tipped. While on the topic of moola, I have never had people ask me in such a bold fashion what I have brought for them when I return from being away for a couple of days. And they mean it.

People really respect their elders here, which is very admirable IMO.

I have developed an odd love for Nigerian movies, which are some of the most hilarious films I have ever seen. They are like really long soap operas. Lots of fun.

I have taken tons of photos, none of which I can upload here because the damned internet provider is so slow.... Well, it's fast for here, but it's about using up credits. (those of you from here, or living here will know what I mean)

Well, that's my stuff for today. There is another post coming soon about what has been happening. Including a little story about the other woman almost breaking my hand. That was a fun day.

Until tomorrow,

Jennifer

Post 4 - Live from Lagos

2010-10-24T04:31:00.000-07:00

A few days have gone past since my last post. It came as a surprise to me that I ended up travelling to Ilesa this past week for a couple of days. DH told me Wednesday morning and by that afternoon we were well on our way there. We stayed from Wednesday til yesterday (Saturday) morning, and have now returned to Lagos.

What was supposed to be a 2-3 hour trip to Lagos turned into a trip that lasted 7 hours. I'm not kidding. The trouble started with the traffic in Ibadan, was made more complicated by our driver and then ... his car battery set on fire while we were leaving Ibadan. While our driver went to solve the battery issue, we (DH, me and Mercy - who was helping us in Ilesa) stood outside for almost 2 hours waiting. Remember I mentioned how hot it is here now? Well, there wasn't one shady tree spot to be had anywhere out there. We ended up walking up the hill to a beer parlor to get a drink and some shade. The bright part about the diversion was the little boy who walked into the parlor and announced to us that he wanted to sing. He was really good and was quite a performer. I took some video of him, but I'm afraid of how long it might take to load onto the computer, so I haven't tried uploading it yet.

Back to the trip. Once the battery was fixed, we continued on our way and made it to Lagos in the late afternoon. All in all, a VERY long day. I know I mentioned earlier that the trip was made more complicated by our driver. Let me explain further. In my experience with the traffic here to date, I am confident to say that it takes an aggressive driver to navigate Nigerian roads. If the driver is timid in the least, then you aren't getting anywhere fast. Unfortunately, the driver we had yesterday was slow... grandpa slow. And confused. He didn't know which areas to avoid to steer clear of traffic, he couldn't merge and every time he decided to talk to someone on his cell phone his attention would completely be diverted to that rather than the road. Scary stuff. Thank God, we made it in one piece.

We are now back in Lagos and I am relaxing in Lekki enjoying a very nice hotel for my birthday. Lucky me.

More tomorrow,

Jennifer

Post 3 - Live from Lagos

2010-10-19T14:32:00.000-07:00

When I arrived at the Lagos airport in July - it wasn't exactly as I had remembered. I found it to be less chaotic, and it wasn't as hot as I was anticipating. Perhaps this was due to the fact that when I left Canada, the weather was quite hot. There was a place for non-Nigerians to line up for immigration. Although the line moved slowly, it wasn't bad at all.

Once the lady had completed checking my papers, I thought I was finished. Nope. I was directed to another desk where I had to have my visa inspected. The man at this desk had a look at my passport and then explained to me that the visa that had been issued to me in Canada was not valid for the 2 months they had provided to me, but actually only for one month. When I inquired as to why this man was shortening the length of my visa, he told me that the embassy in Canada had made a mistake and that I shouldn't worry, because I could take myself down to the local immigration office before the new expiry date he had provided to me (30 days rather than the original 60) and renew it for another month. (for a fee - of course) It was then I really remembered that I was indeed in Nigeria. Welcome - we want your money.

Once I had been released with my passport - it was off to locate my luggage. DH had explained to me that this process would be slow. Luckily after about 10 minutes, my luggage came along and a very kind man helped me lift it off of the conveyor. This made me quite happy because my luggage was quite heavy (over the allowed weight which I was forced to pay for in Canada before boarding the plane) and I knew I would have trouble lifting it myself.

Once I had my luggage, I headed for the door. The man walking behind me was yelling at me to move out of his way because apparently, I wasn't moving fast enough for him. As soon as I exited the doors of the airport, I saw DH, S and DH's brother. We all greeted each other and then proceeded to walk to find the car. It was during the walk to the car that I was again reminded exactly where I was. A rooster was walking along the road with us. Definitely a sight I was not used to seeing.

All in all, I have to say that the whole airport experience wasn't a bad one. From there, it was off to the hotel. More on that tomorrow.

Jennifer

It's ... complicated

2010-10-18T11:41:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I promised an update on what has been happening here since I arrived in July - but I have another topic to tackle today. The thing is, this blog is helpful to me in that it serves as sort of a diary if you will. Someplace that I can air my junk and reflect over it later. I have found it immensely helpful. And while I try not to get uber personal, today will be the exception.

As I have said before, this journey has been a learning experience for me. Most of all, in the area of learning how to relate and be with DH again - as his partner. Often when I meet engaged couples, I like to marvel at the effort and energy that goes into the preparation for their wedding day. So much time and money to put into that big day. The reality of marriage is, that the actual work begins after the wedding day. It is the day to day living together that requires strength and love. In fact, learning how to live and relate to another person can be the very thing that tests marriages the most. After all, eventually you have to merge your feelings of love with an ability to live with the other person's quirks.

In my situation, I am trying to merge my 20 year old feelings for DH with those I have now... at almost 39. The two of us have lived lives in our time apart. We have married other people, split up, had kids, worked, laughed, cried and spent years of our lives missing each other. The thing is, that when we were missing each other - it was those young versions of ourselves that we were missing. We did develop an online version of our relationship during these more recent years, but this doesn't equate to the actual being together day to day as a couple.

For me, this means trying to understand how DH copes with stress, how he works, how he rests, his habits - all over again. I am trying to fit myself into his pattern, as he tries to fit into mine. Sometimes this brings about disagreements - as all couples have from time to time. Add to that the cultural differences we sometimes encounter and there are moments when the two of us are exhausted just from the effort.

We are also much older now - we have responsibilities and outside factors that make things complicated. When we were last together, we were just us. We were at that moment in life when everything that meant anything was just being together. I have to admit that there are days that I long for that connection again. Then, I remind myself that what we have now is perhaps stronger than then, because we both know enough now to know what really matters. And among those, is us. Our relationship - our bond - our family.

Until tomorrow,

Jennifer

Stuff

2010-10-17T13:53:00.000-07:00

My time here has definitely provided me with learning experiences. Among those has been being a woman in Nigeria. After having lived my life as an independent (well, I like to think so anyway) woman supporting herself and two kids, adjusting to life as the wife of a Nigerian man has had its challenges. I don't really fit into the traditional standard of what a "wife" does here. In defense of the many strong woman I have met here - I would like to think that this traditional role is changing gradually. However, I did have a conversation with a young 21 year old who expressed to me her strong wish to find a husband, have kids and cook. When I asked her what else she might like to do with her life, she said "Nothing, that is all that I need". I felt sad for her at first and then I thought about how many women exist in North America who live at home, take care of their kids and cook for their husbands. I realize that I am jumping both sides of the fence here but I would like to think that I am an open minded kind of girl.

HOWEVER, there are some things that have been particularly difficult for me in the area of men/women relationships. One, the concept of men having a woman on the side. No matter how old (or young) men here tend to have women on the side. In particular, older men who have money attract very young women (looking for money) like crazy. Just seeing this up close and personal flares the feminist in me.

The other is the whole marriage thing. I have been having much experience in the area of the traditional Nigerian marriage because well... DH has been married to a Nigerian woman. I won't go into all the details in this post because I do believe I have spoken about her before (but I will have to do some research into old posts to make sure). Today we visited the other woman's family. The purpose of this visit isn't all together clear to me - but I think the intention was to clear the air about the dissolving of their marriage. This is very much a family thing here which is quite the eye opener for someone who comes from a place where one can separate or divorce without consulting any other person but the person you were married to. From my now personal experience meeting and getting to know the other woman, the best thing that I can say about her is that she managed to give birth to a very special little boy. Other than that, the experience has been negative for me. I tried hard to not have any pre-conceived notions about her and (in my defense) I spent almost two weeks living in the same house with her, DH and S. Yep - awkward city folks. But, I did my best to handle it. Still, the outcome was not good. Today was supposed to me a meeting of mature people dealing with mature subjects, but instead it turned into something ugly and messy. The result was me feeling very humiliated to even be there and just wanting to run away. (Which by the way, is damned near impossible in this country for me - there isn't anywhere safe and people can usually spot the oyibo 10 miles away walking on her own)

Tonight I feel exhausted and slightly drunk because I left the other woman's family house and immediately found a place to drink my humiliation away. Which is another thing I have learned here. It is quite common to go to drink for entertainment. In this area, I am managing quite well.

I am wondering if I will ever get adjusted properly to my role here. I am doing my best to focus on my love for DH and trying to remind myself that it is that love that is most important. But, as with all relationships, there are outside forces that you must deal with everyday. Plus, we have grown into adults apart, so we must learn about each other all over again. Which in itself is a daily process. There are so many moments when I want to just break down and cry over the things I gave up when I made my decision 18 years ago to walk away. Neither of us is the same and that is hard for me to deal with sometimes. The love is still there, it is just surrounded by so many different circumstances.

I know that no matter what, I will still wake up tomorrow morning and thank God that I still have DH in my life. No matter what else, that is what keeps me going.

Until tomorrow,

Jennifer

Post 2 - live from Lagos

2010-10-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

At last... I have access to a personal computer with internet. I have been using the cybercafe here for the past few months and the best thing that I can say about those is that I had somewhere to sit down when using the internet. Otherwise, they are slow, crowded, hot, have terrible and unreliable internet and you cannot do anything of a personal nature because every other person sitting in the cafe is waiting to see what you are doing. Well, when they aren't searching facebook or some other social site for girls. I even had a guy sitting next to me during one visit who was pretending to be a european girl (with big boobs) on a dating site so that he could attract men and get money from them. He had no shame about performing this action in a public place - he was just going about his business. And, being me, I was minding his business for him.

I am still here in Nigeria. This is month number 4 and the weather has transitioned from the rainy season to just plain hot. Back home, I know that the weather is getting cooler and fall is well underway. I didn't go home as planned in September, but that is a story for another post.

I am sure that the few readers of my blog that existed before I left for Nigeria are now long gone due to my lack of blogging. Believe me, I have tried to blog, I just haven't been able to.

DH is out today and I am here alone which has given me a nice chance to blog. I am currently staying in Victoria Island which (thankfully) is giving me a bit of a taste of home. I have a hot shower, access to pizza, and assorted other restaurants offering North American fare, and people here don't feel compelled to call me Oyinbo 24 times everyday. After staying in the small town of Ilesa for 3 months, this has been the "vacation" I needed. Don't get me wrong, there are many things I love about Ilesa - it is quiet, the weather is pleasant and the people are awesome. However, I do love my perks and being able to access some of the comforts of home has been really welcome.

I am blessed to be here and everyday when I look over at DH I remember why. Life isn't without it's complications though... especially mine.

Overall, I find Nigeria to be surprising. It is different from my last visit (and I think this has something to do with the fact that the last time I was here the military was ruling the country) and although there are frustrations, I feel at home.

More to come... promise.

Until tomorrow,

Jennifer

Day ??? - travelling to Nigeria

2010-08-19T09:31:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm here. In fact, I have been here for over a month. I can attest to the poor quality of internet access here and blame it entirely for my lack of an update. For those of you who have commented, many thanks for hanging in there until now.

I left on the Saturday evening after much difficulty due to the weight of my luggage. What can I say? I'm a girl, I was packing for 2 months and girls just need.... stuff. So, turns out the luggage was overweight and I had to pay the airline 100 bucks in order to be able to check it. After paying the money all I could think about was them possibly losing the damn thing and then I paid them extra and would arrive there with nothing. (this didn't happen - it arrived quite safely)

Anyway, the first half of the trip to Paris was fine. Uneventful. I waited in Paris for a couple of hours. It wasn't too hard to find my next flight - I was one of 3 white people waiting for the plane to Lagos. While I was waiting, I called DH. He wasn't around but I texted him and asked him for any final tips on airport etiquette once I landed. He told me something about getting my baggage... I was tired and didn't find this so helpful. Anyway, I was so excited to finally be going to see him, that I didn't care at all.

The flight to Nigeria was ... interesting. I was squished against the window and the man sitting next to me wanted his leg to take up most of my seat. Fun stuff. I slept some of the flight and tried to eat something.

This post will have to be continued because my cyber cafe time is running out.

What I will say is that I am incredibly happy and in love love love. DH and S have filled my heart in ways that I can't even describe. I am in love with Africa.

Day 119

2010-07-08T18:59:00.000-07:00

In just under 48 hours from now, I will be on a plane traveling across the ocean to France. The journey to get to this point has been long. I don't think I have ever done anything in an easy way, if there is an easy way to do things.

I spent my last night with cutie tonight. We had dinner together, we laughed and she coloured pictures for me. I know that in the time I am gone, she will grow and change and when I return I won't recognize her. It goes without saying how much I will miss my little girl. Tomorrow brings with it a difficult goodbye to her and that part I am dreading already. I know that she will be in good hands and that her summer will be a good one - filled with all the fun things that being a 5 year old girl brings. But I will miss her face, her laugh, her little funny sayings. She is so precious to me.

Tomorrow, teenager will be accompanying me during my running around. She is actually going to get up early so that we can spend time together. I know my girl is strong and has told me over and over again that she will be fine - but I will miss her very much too. In so many ways she is still a girl and I am hoping that this summer will give her the chance to grow.

It is has been extremely hot here this week - in fact, I do believe that we were hotter than Lagos for a day or two. Some of my friends have said that God is trying to prepare me for my new environment. Hopefully it will be cooling off tomorrow night so that I can enjoy my last Canadian summer night before I leave. To be able to open my window and breathe the fresh air would be nice. There is so much smog right now I am only breathing a/c air.

I will try to blog tomorrow, but it is shaping up to be busy (I haven't started packing yet) and I don't know that I will get to it. I promise to try and continue my blog when I am in Nigeria - as long as the power holds up and I have a computer to use.

For now, I will consider this my last Canadian post. When I get there, I can start counting from one again. A fresh start.

Jenni (xo to M, J - I will miss you my loves - and to DH - I can't wait to see you)

Day 117

2010-07-06T07:40:00.000-07:00

18 years ago during the month of July I stood near the window of my room. I was looking in my pocket mirror and putting on make up. I combed my hair, clipped some of it back and put on my dress. I stood there, all dressed thinking about what I was going to do as butterflies moved in my stomach. Then, a knock on the door. "Are you ready?", she asked.

"Yep", I said.

I hadn't seen him since yesterday. I had walked to the nearest payphone to call him the night before. He was staying with his brother because as I had explained, it is bad luck to see the woman the night before. Now, as I sat on the transit system travelling downtown to city hall, I thought again about where I was going and the butterflies came back. I don't think I said much all the way there. The only person close to me that knew about that day was my best friend. She said she would come if she could. Otherwise, my house mate would stand in for her.

It was a beautiful July day, hot and sunny. We walked up the stairs and into City Hall and up to the floor where the ceremony would take place. I checked in and then sat down and waited. My housemate and I chatted about random things - she was very excited for me and told me how awesome it was that this was all happening. Very romantic she said. All I could think about were the butterflies.

Then, I saw him coming down the hallway with his brother. They both had serious looks on their faces and they said something to each other in Yoruba. Then his brother looked at me and said, "Well, are you ready?" and proceeded to snap some photos. I looked over at him while his brother was taking photos. He sat down beside me. He looked uncomfortable wearing a woolen jacket and tie on such a hot day. I remember thinking that was the first time I had ever seen him dressed like that. I took his hand and it was sweaty and he looked nervous. All the while, his brother snapped pictures. I think I managed to ask him how he was, but we didn't say too much other than that. Then, they called us into the chambers.

By this time, my best friend had arrived and she stood up for me. It felt good having her there. He and I stood there, listening to the Justice of the Peace talking and listening to his brother snap more photos. When I look at them now, our faces are filled with a mix of nervousness and confusion. We said our vows and he placed a ring on my finger. We were then pronounced husband and wife. We were married.

Afterwards, his brother went to get the car and my friend had to return to work. We relaxed a bit and talked about what we had just done. I looked at him and realized that he was now my husband. My husband. I was 20 years old.

I don't think my 20 year old mind grasped the entirety of what occurred that day. What the words that we spoke to each other really meant. I knew then that I just wanted to be with him always. I didn't completely understand at that age what kind of journey is involved in making a life with someone. I was still caught up in the immediate. The crazy love of it all.

18 years later, I know that it was one of the most important days of my life. I still mark it, as I have every year since we married. It wasn't big, or fancy, or filled with people - but it was true, and filled with all of the love that we had for each other.

This year will mark the first time I have ever spent the anniversary date with DH. The first of many more I hope.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH)

ps. 3 days til I travel....

Day 112

2010-07-01T08:49:00.001-07:00

Today Canadians are celebrating the birthday of our country - Canada Day. Our country is 143 years old today. Unlike our neighbours to the south, we don't tend to be very flashy with our patriotism. We are much more of a quiet sort. I think that is part of the appeal of being a Canadian. I recall on a recent trip Europe being told by someone to ensure that people knew I was visiting from Canada rather than the US because I would be treated far better being a Canadian.

In honour of my country's birthday, I thought I would make a list of the 10 things I will miss most about Canada while I am away.

10. The green space. Although I live in a large city, we are fortunate to have a lot of trees and parks to enjoy. I love going out walking for this very reason.

9. Timmies. This has to be said. I will miss the Iced Capp's, the Timbits, and the fact that I have one right across the street from where I live.

8. Healthcare. Canadians are fortunate to be able to go to the doctor and not have to pay for the visit. When we are sick, we present our health card and the visit to the doctor is covered. Same thing for hospital visits.

7. TTC. This is a bit more localized to my city - but I will miss the transit system. It is right outside my door, pretty clean and as much criticism as it has received this past year, it is still damn convenient to have available. For $3 - I can travel from one side of this city to the other and compared to the cost of gas for the same trip - it is a deal.

6. Poutine. Yes, more than one of the things that I will miss are food related. Poutine is a dish created with french fries topped with cheese curds and gravy. It is bad for your health and tastes even better after a couple of drinks. So yummy.

5. Caribana. I will be away for this this year. Caribana happens on the long weekend between July and August. The festival culminates in a huge parade downtown in my city and it has become so popular that there are usually well over one million people who attend the parade.

4. Ice Cream trucks. Everyday at the same time I can hear the familiar tune of the ice cream truck coming around. If I am outside with cutie, she usually asks me if we can get one. There is nothing quite like a chocolate/vanilla swirl cone from the ice cream truck in the summertime.

3. Conveniences. The last time I travelled to Africa it definitely made me appreciate the conveniences I enjoy at home. The availability of having whatever I might need within walking distance. The light whenever I want it. The drinkable water from the tap. It isn't that I am not prepared to live without these things, it is just that now I know and appreciate the things that many Canadians take for granted.

2. Loonies and two-nies. Yes, I will miss the money here. I like our money. It is colourful and I like our one and two dollar coins. It is always a difficult thing for me to get used to handling new money when I travel. Yeah, so I'm a simple girl.

1. My Canadian family. I will miss my girls. I will miss my mother. I will miss my grandmother.

Happy Birthday Canada. I am excited about my trip but I will miss you.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to DH)

ps. 9 days and counting....

9 days

Day 108

2010-06-27T15:25:00.000-07:00

13 days til I see DH.

I thought that as I got closer to my date of departure, I would have endless things to blog about in my infinite happiness to be almost there. All I can say after the events of the last few days is that this moment is becoming bittersweet - more than I thought it would be. I still fail to understand why I have to sacrifice one thing to get another, but I am hoping that whatever higher power exists will lead me to the answer to that question. Sooner than later would be nice.

I had a bit of a health scare recently in the form of a pretty severe anxiety attack. Funny how such an experience can make clear your outlook on what is important. I thought I was having a heart attack. Thank goodness, it was anxiety. However, I have been told that this type of anxiety can lead to stroke, so I need to relax. Relaxation and peace is what I need to be better. What came out of the attack was me knowing that a life is short, preciously so, and you need to make every single minute count. Not with petty upsets, not with trivial matters, but with the things that fill you up with love and joy and happiness. The things that you can take with you in your heart always.

I have been hearing a lot of negative talk surrounding the circumstances of this trip - in particular that I am leaving my children behind. My smallest is staying with her father, and teenager is staying with her grandmother. Both cutie's dad and my mother think I am totally self centered and narcissistic. It is all about me. I guess in some way they are right, part of me is doing this for me. I also believe very strongly that I need to do this to be the person that I know that I can be. So that I can build a strong foundation for our family with DH. So that I can be the healthiest mother I can be and can then share that with my children. So that I can find the person that I remember is inside me and bring her back - because she is there but I have been putting her aside for a really really long time. I can't explain it any other way. If this is narcissism, then so be it. This is my life and if there are issues that come out of it with my children as a result, then I will have to deal with them. More now than ever before, I believe that I am doing the right thing. Even for the kids.

The bittersweet part does come in the form of leaving my kids. I don't need other people's criticism of me to make me feel guilty about leaving them, I already feel the guilt all by myself. These are parts of me - such precious gifts that I am entrusting to others to care for. I know that I am leaving them in safekeeping, but I will miss them terribly. This coming weekend I am spending with the girls - just the three of us together enjoying my last weekend in Canada before I travel. I will kiss them endlessly and drink up the joy of having them both with me. Then I will save all that in my heart until I see them again. And I will remind them that mommy is doing this for all of us. And I will spend my time with DH making sure that I make good on my promise.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to J, M, DH and S - love you all)

Day 104

2010-06-23T08:17:00.000-07:00

Warning: This post is very cryptic and is mostly for my purposes following today's events, which shall remain personal. I just needed to put some stuff into my blog to help me sort it all out.

_________________________________________________________

I was looking for quotes about forgiveness to put into this post. This isn't a quote but was on a poster I noticed came up when I google'd the word forgiveness.

It said;

Forgiveness
"Love like you have never been hurt before"

Sometimes I think that there is some universal thing that puts stuff out there for people to find because it knows that the person needs it right at that moment and time. Some people attribute this to God. I'm happy with the belief that it is a higher power.. of some kind.

Anyway, this little quote was waiting for me there and I needed to see it. It would have been nice if I had found it a couple of days ago, but life gives you its lessons to learn. I think it is an approach to love that all of us should take but for whatever reason we don't.

As many mistakes as I can make, I always want to learn from them. Today I learned that life is way too short to live in the past, or to live with fear, or to focus on what you want to see instead of the whole picture. I learned that sometimes you can ask for forgiveness and still have your face rubbed in your mistakes because the other person may forgive you, but they don't have to tolerate what you did. Fuck, does that hurt. I learned that I have a lot to learn about considering other people. I'm an only child (and this is by no means an excuse) but I have spent most of my life with me and 2 kids so yes, I do tend to put focus on myself.

At the end of today I am left wondering if there are some mistakes that you can never fix. Or, if you pile them on top of your past mistakes, do you come to a point where nothing you can ever do is enough? Sometimes there is just nothing else to say - you just need to wait and see what happens.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH)

Day 101

2010-06-20T13:38:00.000-07:00

Today is Father's Day. Growing up this wasn't a big day of recognition for me because my father didn't really participate in my upbringing and we almost never saw each other. He was what people might call an absentee dad. There is a saying that goes, any man can make a baby but it takes someone special to be a father.

In my younger years, I suppose the role of my father was filled in by my grandpa. This was mainly because the weekends I should've spent with my dad were spent with his parents and therefore I got to spend a lot of time with my grandpa. I have always felt closer to him than I do my father and he is very special to me. This year he turned 94 years old and although his health has not been great lately, he is still quite spry and stubborn. He is a fighter.

Now that I am older and have children of my own, I am happy that they are able to participate in the celebration of Father's Day. I believe that the role of a girl's father is very important - most of all in how she perceives men in her later life.

Although DH is overseas, he and teenager spent sometime talking to each other today on the phone (which is something because they both loathe talking on the phone) and since this was their first Father's Day after meeting for the first time, I think it was special for them both. It makes me happy to know that they are developing a relationship because it is something that will benefit them both.

As for me, I still don't talk to my dad but I would like to say that I value the men who have become examples of positive male role models in my life.

I would also like to wish the love of my life a very happy father's day. You are a terrific daddy and you are loved very much.

20 days until I see DH.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to daddy DH)

100 days

2010-06-19T08:08:00.000-07:00

I have been neglecting my blog following my last preachy post. A combination of not much else to say and being busy. I now have 21 days until I travel. I spent last night downtown having dinner with 2 dear friends of mine. It was lots of good food, drink and laughter. Very good for the soul.

During dinner we got talking about my last trip to Africa and once again, both friends told me what I have heard many times after telling people the story of my past... you should write a book. I don't feel that I possess the ability to write in a way that would be considered worthy of being published. My friend suggested that I just use a ghostwriter. For now, I think I will stick to the blog - it is semi-anonymous and I like it that way. I don't know that I am ready to put everything out there under my name just yet. I'm not ashamed of my story - I just need to consider that people know me and what I put out there doesn't only affect me, it also affects the people in my life.

As I mentioned, last night I was talking about my first trip to Africa. One of my girlfriends asked me how I think this trip will be different than the last one. For one, I said, the last time I went nobody knew I was going. Then I told her about the fact that after DH left Canada I went back to stay with my mother. It was not a good time for me because being apart from DH was very hard, and I was not happy being with my mother. I decided after about a month and a half of living with her that I could not handle the absence any longer and that I was going to travel to Nigeria to be with him.

I proceeded along with preparations for the trip which basically consisted of me getting a yellow fever shot and a ticket. I had no idea what I was going to and it didn't really matter to me because my primary focus was to see DH again. So, 2 months after DH left Canada, I watched my mother leave for work, packed a bag and went to the airport on my own. I left my mother a note and a pretty substantial phone bill. I got on the plane and went. When my girlfriend heard this story she said, "girl, you have balls". I don't know that I ever thought of it that way, but I guess that may be true. For me, it was just about love.

I am older now, I have responsibilities and everyone around me knows that I am leaving. I have taken more health related precautions this time which (hopefully) will prevent me from getting too ill and if I do - will help me get better fast. I feel that I am better prepared this time.

But it is still about love.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH)

Day 97

2010-06-16T21:31:00.000-07:00

24 days ...

I know it has been a couple of days. I haven't been feeling well and I just needed a computer break. But - I'm back and armed with a topic.

As I have said before, I am the child of a single mom. My parents split up when I was 3 years old. The reason? My dad was cheating on my mother and he decided that he wanted to leave and be with his "newer" girl. I didn't find this out until I was older, I just thought that he left because he didn't give a shit. Well, maybe that was true too.

I swore to myself that I would never allow that to happen to me. I swore that any man I was with would be faithful to me and to me alone. That I would not be the woman who thought her man only had eyes only for her when everyone else knew that he was engaging other women. My definition of cheating isn't restricted to sex. There are other ways to cheat on your partner. With the invention of the internet - it has become even easier to do because you can cyber cheat. In my opinion, exchanging e-mails/facebook messages/text messages with someone you are interested in other than your partner or someone you used to be involved with prior to your partner - that's cheating. Especially if you cannot share the fact that you are communicating with them with your current partner. Unless you are talking to them about the weather and knitting - then you shouldn't be engaging them in chat. That only leads to problems.

What I cannot understand is why some people think that this type of behaviour is easily explained away. They feel that they are allowed to engage in such behaviour because they have a totally different understanding of what commitment means than everyone else does. Or, it could be that they are so nonchalant about it that when confronted, they will lie about their behaviour and then keep on doing it until their partner becomes wiser and either; gets the hell out or just decides to put up with it. For heaven's sake - don't lie. Lying to the face of the person you "love" is just insulting and wrong. It leads to broken hearts and pain.

Am I being naive? Maybe. Am I cynical? I hope not. I just have no patience for such things. I am just going to take the woman's point of view here for a moment... If you are a man and you are doing this - get some balls and own up to your snake like behaviour and stop cheating. It is greedy and cowardly. It isn't your "right" to have as many women as you can until they wise up to what you are doing. It is wrong and what's more - dangerous because you could very well be spreading disease. Having multiple women doesn't make you a big man - it makes you a cheater. End of story.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH) ;)

Day 95

2010-06-14T20:08:00.000-07:00

26 days til I see DH.

Many people have told me when they hear the story of my life with DH that it would make a great book ... I don't really consider myself a great writer. Certainly not one worthy of being published. I started this blog to document this journey for me, for DH and for our kids. I would like to think that we will look back on all this and remember this as a time that our lives changed for the better.

Right now I am having trouble finding things to blog about everyday because my life is feeling very messy. I'm grumpy, fed up with stupid computer chatting and useless phone lines, time change, being patient, and just trying to keep it all together. DH and I have been arguing which just makes me exhausted. The stress of all this is getting to me. I walk everyday and exercise on top of that to try and vent some of the stress, but I am still feeling it.

I want it to be time to leave.
I am going to miss my kids and want to bring them, but I know that isn't a possibility right now.
I am trying to find $ where there is none. This is always an exciting prospect.
I have way too much time on my hands to sit around worrying - which is exactly what I am doing.

I really do think that I am the world's most impatient person and my poor blog is bearing the brunt of it. I can't imagine why this would make a good book at all. What would it be called? "Jennifer's whining"???

There are just days when I want to lie down on the floor like cutie does and kick and scream until I get my way. This is one of those days. I just want to kick something until it feels as bad as I do.

I just want to have my family, including DH, together. I'm lonely and tired of all this waiting.

Welcome to my pity party... the sequel.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to DH, M, J, and S)

Day 94

2010-06-13T20:34:00.000-07:00

There is a song that Bing Crosby sings in the movie White Christmas that goes;

"When I'm worried and I can't sleep
I count my blessings instead of sheep
And I fall asleep counting my blessings"

Over the past few days, I have been having a bit of a pity party. Trying to understand why I don't have one thing or another, or why things just aren't going the way I want them to. Whenever I get into one of these moods, I try to remember that just where I live is a blessing. I live in a country where I have access to health care, safe and drinkable tap water, abundant food sources, and pretty much anything else is at my disposal. Such things I take for granted. The health of my children, the roof over my head, heat when it is cold, a/c when it is hot, power and light 24/7.

I won't say that I don't have the occasional issues with my country - because I do. But I have been abroad and I know why people immigrate here. I understand the appeal.

My life isn't always easy and sometimes it is downright shitty - but if I stop and compare it to what other people are experiencing, including people whom I love and care for a great deal, I cannot complain. And I fall asleep counting my blessings... and wanting to share those blessings too.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my DH - 27 days)

Day 93

2010-06-12T18:40:00.000-07:00

I am happy to report that I found my luggage today. It was like one of those unfortunate looking doggies you see sitting there beside all the really cute ones in the pet store. There sat my ugly luggage, just waiting to be taken home by me. To add to the excitement of finding this ugly luggage - it also ended up being on sale. I was very happy and proceeded to tow it through the mall where I was shopping, knocking everyone in the knees with it as I went.

This morning teenager actually managed to rise from her sleep to see the final half of the Nigeria/Argentina game. It was amusing watching her watch the game - yelling at the tv screen at all the Nigerian players. Her final analysis of the game is that the only truly qualified Nigerian player today was the goalkeeper. She has decided he saved the Nigerian team from losing by a much larger margin. For as much as I know about the game of soccer, I concur with her analysis. IMO, it was a pretty slow game.

I spent some time talking to DH today - but he is pretty busy right now dealing with family stuff. More on that in another post.

Nothing else to report. Me and my boring Saturdays.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (love u DH - 28 days)

Day 92

2010-06-11T19:35:00.000-07:00

I was having some technical difficulties with my previous blog design and have decided on this new and improved version. I also secretly enjoy redecorating and have discovered all new designs on blogger. What can I say? I'm amused by new stuff.

World Cup fever has officially hit my fair city and there are flags from various countries flying from cars everywhere I look. Since I live at the junction of a pretty major intersection, I expect the sound of horns honking furiously any day now as various teams begin to win their matches. As I said yesterday, I know nothing of soccer. I have watched it before, but that did not really make me a fan. DH assured me today that if I were in South Africa I would get all caught up in the energy and excitement of the game and would enjoy it. This was right after he told me that if I had won the lottery (well, someone has to!) then we could all be there watching the games live. To which I responded that if I had won the lottery, I would be on a beach somewhere and would not be watching the soccer.

I have nothing against soccer in particular, I feel pretty much the same way about watching all sports. However, teenager does enjoy soccer and she plans on watching the game between Nigeria and Argentina tomorrow. Well, that is if she can get up early enough to watch it. It starts here at 10am or so, and teenager doesn't usually rise from her vampire-like slumber until at least 1pm on weekends.

I went out today looking for luggage. I need a suitcase that will hold everything I need for the length of my trip. At least I don't have to pack winter clothes, summer clothes take up less space. I am having trouble finding something suitable - all the luggage I have looked at so far is too pretty. I don't want pretty luggage because it tempts people to take it thinking that the stuff inside is equally pretty. I want butt ugly luggage that everyone will look at and think, "Oh goodness, there cannot be anything of value in there!". In fact, after I find the winner of the ugliest luggage award, I will bring it home and dance on it a bit to make it look even uglier. When the sales lady came over to me in the store today, I almost asked her to find me the most hideous luggage in the store. However, I stopped myself because I didn't think she would understand.

Tomorrow teenager is having two friends over to practice a dance routine (good grief) so I will be heading back out in search of my ugly baggage. It is supposed to rain tomorrow so if I find what I am looking for - it may even get a bit wet and stained on the way home. Excellent.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my DH .... 29 days)

Day 91

2010-06-10T18:46:00.001-07:00

In the interest of not writing a totally boring post about me running around doing errands today - I will keep this short and (hopefully) sweet.

30 days til I get on the plane.

Still have a list of things to get including peanut butter and crackers which may very well be my staple food if I cannot find anything else to eat.

The weekend is quickly approaching and everyone is talking about the World Cup. Nothing to say on that subject because I really know nothing about soccer.

I'm feeling tired and grumpy. I'm out.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xx DH)

Day 90

2010-06-09T12:38:00.000-07:00

Quiet day - it rained here and it felt like very early spring. Not June like weather at all. I was wearing track pants and a sweater. Brrr.

In other news, I have been helping teenager with her summative project (due tomorrow!) because she is a giant procrastinator. You might think school ends for you once you graduate, but if you have kids it just keeps on going. You get to do it all over again.

I was asking DH random questions about himself the other day on chat and some of his responses surprised me. I like learning new things about people that way. I thought I would take some of the quiz here - mostly to fill up space because my brain is mush and I have nothing much to say. So, here goes.

1. Coke or Pepsi?

Coke for sure

2. Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt?

Brad Pitt

3. What language would you like to speak fluently?

Yoruba - it would certainly help. Pidgin English is a close second.

4. What is your dream job?

Not what I am doing right now. Probably immigration lawyer/consultant.

5. What is your favourite word?

Forgiveness.

6. Do you say "I love you" in the relationship?

Yep.

7. If you could be someone else just for one day, who would it be?

Oprah - just to see what it would be like.

8. Who was your hero as a child?

Wonder Woman - totally.

9. If you could travel back in time, what mistake(s) would you correct?

Do you have a few pages? I could tell you.

10. Do you have any tattoos, and if so what and where?

Yes I do and never you mind.

11. Get the number or give the number?

No more numbers. I'm taken.

12. Romance or kinky.

Depends on the weather....

13. Define yourself in three words.

Pesky, bitchy (but) lovable.

31 days til you know.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo my DH)

Day 89

2010-06-08T07:59:00.000-07:00

32 days til I see DH.

The past couple of days I haven't been feeling very well. I am dealing with a plate full of stuff right now and it is weighing heavily on me. I like to believe that we are never given more than we can handle, but I am certainly being tested right now. Trying to be everything for everyone can be overwhelming I find.

I went for a very very long walk last night which usually helps me sort things out in my head. When I got home, I felt somewhat calmer but my mind was still racing. I ended up taking something to help me sleep and then just retiring for the night. Gosh, I sound like I am 80 - retiring for the night. Good grief.

When I examine the problems I am having, I am sad to report that many of them could be solved with money. I have never been a rich girl. I am what most people here would call "lower middle class". Pretty close to the working poor actually. I am always amused by those people who say things like, "money cannot buy you happiness" or "I was better off when I was broke". I think I would like the opportunity to experience the kind of unhappiness that comes with having unlimited funds at one's disposal. Even just for a short period of time. I mean, I am frequently unhappy now - being broke - so I might as well experience what it is to be unhappy with money... right?

When I was a teenager, I spent a summer working for a very rich family. This family owned a chain of well known department stores in Canada. The stores are now gone - the chain having declared bankruptcy and as far as I know, the family - and it's money - retreated to Europe. What I remember from that summer working at their "summer island cottage" was the ease with which they could decide that they wanted to do something, or needed something, and it would just be done. One of their children, who was 10 years old at the time, wanted to go to a concert that was happening in the city that summer, so he asked his parents if he could go. Keep in mind that we were all located approximately 4 hours away (by car) from the city at a cottage. The dad immediately got on the phone, secured seats in the 2nd row of the concert (which I believe was already sold out) and told his son that they would fly down to the city that weekend to see the concert. Done. No problemo. The idea that the children, or anyone in that family, could want something and not immediately have their wish satisfied was unthinkable. Their money got them exactly what it was they wanted.

Now - I can hear DH's voice inside my head right now telling me that they may not have had love, or a sense of family - or any of the things that money cannot buy you. They may have been unhappy people. And this is true. All I am saying is that I wouldn't mind a little taste of being able to want something and having the ease of getting it without having to worry about where I will get the money. A girl can dream.

Right now, I would settle for enough to pay the bills that need paying and to just be comfortable. Not lavishly wealthy.

My ideal of being rich is actually pretty simple. A house, my kids, my DH, working, and enjoying our life together as a family. My cup would runneth over.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH)

Day 87

2010-06-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

34 days til I see DH.

I am the only child of a single mother. My mother is the daughter of a single mother - well, until my grandmother remarried when my mom was in her early teens and she went on to have an unhappy marriage. My father is on wife #3. I haven't been privy to many examples of a good, strong marriage in my lifetime. In fact, I can only think of 2 long lasting marriages in my family. My paternal grandparents celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary in the early 90's. My great aunt and uncle have been married close to 50 years now.

The only other long term marriage in my family is my aunt and uncle who have been married for 25 miserable years. When I say this, I mean that my uncle has made my aunt's life hell for the past 25 years and she has put up with it. Not an example of a happy marriage at all.

Growing up I watched a lot of tv and drew my examples of happy relationships from the shows I watched. Love Boat was a show where people would meet each other during a cruise, fall in love and decide to get married all in the span of a weekend. How romantic I thought.

I attended an all girls high school which pretty much put me out of dating commission from the ages of 13 to 19. Obviously, in an all girls high school, one doesn't get much exposure to boys and not having a brother - I almost never ran into a boy at all. I didn't even have any male cousins around my age who lived near me. Nothing. Thinking back on this now - I came out of high school extremely naive in the ways of boys. I may as well have had a sign or flashing red light on my forehead.

It wasn't long after my graduation that I met DH. I was still 19 I think. Yep - I was indeed 19. I had experience with exactly 3 boys before DH. And this was not extensive dating experience, this was disaster dating. All 3 of them were ... horrible. And what is worse was that they all knew each other. It was kind of like I worked my way through 3 friends. Oh - just a disaster. I remember being very trusting and thinking that if I was forthcoming and honest and put myself out there that the guy would feel that and we would have that Love Boat experience. Really, there are times I look back and want to slap myself silly. Poor girl.

After the disasters, I met DH. At the bus stop, at around 2am I think. It was very early in the morning. I have told this story before. Honestly, by the time I saw him the second time, I was just so ... in "love". Yeah, like the Love Boat. (foreshadowing anyone?) Looking back, I don't know if I could call what I was feeling the second time we saw each other love per se - I mean there is that whole thing that happens to you when you first meet someone. It is this combination of feelings that makes you crazy, and happy and horny all at the same time. You know? Just like a love drug. Well, I can tell you that unlike the disaster trio - this was the first time I had felt the love drug's effects. I was gone.

DH will have to help me with the time frame here - but as I can recall, I ended up packing all my worldly goods in plastic bags and moving in with him after 2 weeks of meeting him. Yes, my dear readers, the recipe for love-crazy behaviour is the following: take one young woman in lust/love, add her unhappiness with her current home life, add the attractive/sexy man who is going to rescue her from all that and this equals girl running away from home to be with said
man. I don't know if poor DH knew what to do with me exactly. I just sort of showed up at his place one morning with all my bags.

What follows my moving in with DH is a whole lot of craziness but also a whole lot of love. And a wedding. And a beautiful daughter. And 17 years apart. And a man who has taught me in my later life that real love - the kind that keeps people together and married for 50 years - does exist. And that miracles do happen in life. And that you can remain in that crazy kind of love and feel more for another person than you ever thought possible.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to DH - love ya)

My new favourite song/video

2010-06-05T16:52:00.000-07:00

Day 86

2010-06-05T16:28:00.000-07:00

35 days til I see DH.

It has been a lovely Saturday in Toronto, Canada. The weather was perfect for nearing the end of the spring season. Summer officially arrives here on June 21st.

Today I did Saturday type stuff, laundry, exercise, grocery shopping, went outside for a walk. I have 4 more Saturdays before my trip so I am soaking up my bit of Canadian summer before I leave.

Since we are currently enjoying daylight savings time in Canada, we are 5 hours behind Nigeria. In the winter, when the clocks go back, we are again 6 hours behind. I find the time difference a bit difficult when trying to communicate with DH. When I am sleeping in the morning, he is already up and half way through his day. When I can chat with him in the early evening here, it is already late night there and he is usually tired and getting ready to sleep. Usually, we end up talking mid day - well 2pm for me and 7pm for him. Occasionally, I will be up into the night - 2am or so and I can talk to him early morning there which is kind of nice because if it is by telephone, the connection is quite good. Also, the surrounding noise has not yet become overwhelming and I can still hear what he is saying.

As much as I love to complain about such things (and I do! - can't you tell yet?) I have to say communication is 1000 times better now than when we were first apart in 1992. Back then, in the pre-internet days - we used snail mail which took up to 6 weeks to arrive or phone, which was worse than it is now. We used to send each other letters and sometimes taped conversations so that we would be able to hear each other's voices once in a while. Ah - young love.

I hope that your Saturday was good and that you are enjoying your weekend, whatever you are doing.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my sleepyhead DH)

Day 85

2010-06-04T19:00:00.001-07:00

36 days til I see DH.

I have had an interesting variety of reactions from people when they hear where I am travelling in July. Although the city I live in is very multicultural - perhaps the most so in Canada, there are still many people whose idea of the continent of Africa is derived from what they see on those commercials that air on Sunday mornings asking for money to help the starving children. The following are some of the questions I have had to date:

are you going to be staying in a hut?
how big are the bugs?
where will you shower?
what are you going to eat? (actually eating is a big topic of interest for people because I have also had ...)
you better bring some protein bars or you will starve
I have heard that they eat whatever they can catch for dinner (honestly..)
you better cover yourself from head to toe - you will die from mosquito bites
how will you wash your clothes?
where will you go to the bathroom?
are you scared?
will you have giraffes in your yard? (to be fair, my 5 year old asked me this one...)

I must admit that before my first trip to Nigeria, I had no idea what visiting Africa would be like. I can remember being nervous but excited, but I also had the benefit of having known people from there who made me aware that it isn't all what we are shown on the television. It is beautiful and full of amazing warm friendly people. There are so many things that I loved about it and I can't wait to see them all again.

When people ask me these questions, I do my best to explain to them that it is a place that everyone should experience at least once in their lifetime. It is a place that stays in your heart forever. It is that amazing.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (love you DH)

Days 83 and 84

2010-06-03T09:20:00.001-07:00

37 days til I see DH again.

Wow. I woke up this morning, turned on my computer and began my usual routine. Check for e-mail from DH, check the local news/weather online, check my blog and from there check out any new posts on the blogs I follow. One of those being the very popular and multiple nominee for the 2010 Nigerian Blog Awards - Ktravula. I read his blog everyday and it is funny, insightful, filled with very interesting information about Lagos and Nigeria, and the photos are amazing. Not to mention the fact that the author is a very accomplished writer.

I am beyond honoured that he has mentioned my little blog on the pages of his own.

I have to say that I have found most of the blogs I follow after visiting Good Naija Girl's blog, which I also think is amazing. A very talented writer indeed. I have always blogged for an outlet for my feelings, kind of like a diary. I don't consider myself gifted at writing, but I enjoy putting something of myself out there.

So, I would like to say welcome to anyone who finds this blog and thank you for reading about my sordid love life. I try daily not to make it too "mushy" as my teenager likes to call it - but it is about my love story... so you can expect some mush here and there.

Please say hello while you are here and if you have a blog, tell me because I am always interested in finding new blogs to read.

I would also like to ask for input from visitors on good places to eat when in Lagos. It has been a long time since I have been there and I would appreciate any suggestions.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my DH - my first reader of this blog - love ya!)

Day 82

2010-06-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

39 days til I see DH. It has been a pretty quiet day for me. Not feeling really well but it is June, so there is something to be thankful for.

Instead of a post today, one of my favourite poems of all time. Courtesy of Elizabeth Barrett Browning.

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the Ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of everyday's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's
faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, - I love thee with the
breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God
choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo my DH)

Day 81

2010-05-31T18:48:00.000-07:00

40 days til I get to stand in the airport for 2 hours waiting for my luggage.

I have been advised by DH that when he returned to Lagos from Germany in March it took him approximately two hours to get through customs and collect his luggage. He also mentioned that the areas in which he was made to wait are NOT equipped with air conditioning. Hmmmn.

IMO, I am a pretty decent traveller. I can sleep on the plane, the food is not great but I can stomach it, I don't mind sitting for long periods of time. I think I do pretty well. I know that I am embarking on 13 hours of flying. Well, there is a 2 hour layover in France, but there are still 13 hours of flying involved. I can't say that I am going to look my best after so much flying, but I will make the best effort possible. I mean, my body will be feeling serious jet lag. I think out of the entire trip, what is most likely to try my nerves is a 2 hour wait for a suitcase. I can't imagine anything more aggravating than standing around in almost 40 degree heat waiting for what has been described to me as a very very slow conveyor belt to deliver my luggage to me. Which apparently is what I have to do before I can even see DH.

My plan is to take a bottle of water off of the aircraft, sit and drink it and have a granola bar or something while I wait. I can imagine I will be quite a sight sitting there eating and drinking and sweating off all of my makeup. I don't think I will care much at that point. With my luck, I won't be able to bring water off of the plane and then I will become cranky with the heat. I can't imagine how more people don't faint waiting for 2 hours in the sweltering heat for their luggage.
God, I pray it isn't me who is the first. That would be dreadful. From my lips to God's ears.

As much as I complain (and I do like to complain) I am still bloody excited. I know that tomorrow begins June and I am this much closer to seeing my DH again. Very, very excited. Even the world's slowest luggage conveyor (well, maybe it's in a tie with Cuba) cannot dim my excitement.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my darling DH and my kiddlies, J. M and S)

Day 80

2010-05-30T15:58:00.000-07:00

41 days til I see DH.

Yes, I skipped yesterday. I was out helping teenager find a summer job. She has an interview this coming Thursday so I think her search was successful. I will keep you posted.

As for the remainder of the weekend, I slept, did household chores and watched two really good movies. As I mentioned on Friday (as did my wonderful man in his own post) DH is in Ilesa right now checking out the place where I will be spending some time during my visit. He wanted to see how much has to be done in the next month to prepare. I do believe that as in the USA, it is also a holiday in Nigeria tomorrow. We had ours last week, so no holiday in Canada.

Last night teenager and I watched The Lovely Bones, which was a really interesting movie about afterlife, and the after effects on a family following the murder of one of their children. Peter Jackson did the movie and if you aren't familiar with him he also did the Lord of the Rings movies. The film had great special effects and was a really good story. I would highly recommend it. (I'm a wee bit of a movie junkie and could post endlessly about my favourite films)

The second movie, which I watched today, was Invictus. This is the Clint Eastwood film in which Morgan Freeman plays Nelson Mandela during the early 1990's when he first became president of South Africa. The film centers around Mandela's efforts to have the South African rugby team win the world cup in 2005. Matt Damon plays the captain of the rugby team. I thought it was an excellent movie, and that Morgan Freeman did a really great job of portraying Mandela. A very powerful and inspirational film. Also worth seeing. (I said I was a movie junkie - not a great critic...)

Now it is Sunday night here and I am waiting for my cutie to arrive home from her dad's house where she spends the weekends.

Just to end my post, I would like to put a prayer out there for my grandfather who is unwell right now. I spoke with him today and at 94 he is still pretty spunky despite his current poor health. I love you grandpa - get well soon.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my grandpa, and to all my family)

Day 73&74

2010-05-28T10:10:00.000-07:00

I may not have been cosistent with jenni`s blog date, but i am trying to give details of my feelings and what happened between jeni and i each day i am making a post.
On this day jenni and i had some brush over the elephant in our room, this issue always drain me of my energy like wise jenni, this gives the reasons she felt tired and weak.
As for me i had sleepless night and worried all night abit her health, if she observe, i sent more mails this night than any other nights, i am trying to make her feel good.
Today is ok, jenni was able to play her part, of i know she did it to please me, which i quite dislike, i would have prefare she did it out of understanding of the situation, Anyway, i am looking forward to the day of her arrival,There will be a lot of changes and redjustment in my life.
Ilesa, is a town in one of the south western states in Nigeria, It is known for her educated and wealthy indigene, nmost of them live outside the town. A very serene town with very cool weather, it is normal for those who live in the city to come here and spend their week ends while parents brings their kids here during vacation.
To me, it is very important for jeni to come here and spend few days or weeks.....

Guest post by DH.

Day 77 and 78

2010-05-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

43 days til I see DH.

I started this post yesterday, then changed my mind about the content and decided to continue it today, which is Friday.

I have been feeling pretty tired the past two days and not the tired that you feel when you haven't slept well, the kind of tired that seems to come from inside - like an emotional tiredness. I am just wanting everything to be settled now - for all this waiting and planning to be over. At 38, I want to be able to live my life with the person I love and our kids and just be. No craziness, no distance. I am not sure why, but it seems that everything gets piled onto your plate at once and then you are expected to just deal with it all at the same time. Rather than feeling as if I can conquer all that is on my plate, I feel like running away from it and hiding under a blanket and letting someone else tackle it all. Is that bad? I don't feel like that everyday, but I am sure feeling it right now.

DH is traveling this weekend to visit the place outside of Lagos where we will be spending some time when I get there. I visited his mom there during my last visit and I loved it. Very quiet, in the country, beautiful views, clear sky ... relaxing. I am really looking forward to spending time there. Sounds nice especially right now.

As for me, another weekend at home. I'm not really sure what I will be doing just yet. Maybe hiding under a blanket.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (love you DH)

Day 76

2010-05-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

45 days til I see DH.

I am having one of those days when ideas for a post just aren't coming to me. In terms of my trip, things are pretty much the same. Ticket - check. Visa - check. Medicine/shots - check. Still to do: suitcase, sunscreen, preparations for the kids since they are staying here, some shopping. I am working on it and I still have over a month.

I have also been investigating starting some legal proceedings on my own to finalize my divorce from husband #2. After having read through what is needed, I know that I can get the majority of it done without too much trouble. However, I am wary of starting it right now because starting it will necessitate the booking of a hearing date which I do not want to happen while I am away. So, I have been putting it off. Maybe I will start printing the legal forms out and getting them underway while I am waiting. Once I have the divorce papers started, I can also start the sponsorship of DH. For that, I will need a lawyer.

No other developments right now.

I was talking to DH today and it seems that we are both exhausted. Although some of our reasons are different, I can say that the difficulty of waiting for this trip and trying to communicate with each other by internet and phone are wearing us both down. For me, I feel a strong sense of how precious time is now more than ever. I am also terribly impatient which doesn't help my waiting. I know why I am going when I am - I needed to ensure that my kids are settled before I leave and since they aren't yet finished the school year, I thought it would be better to see them through to the summer before I go. In particular, teenager is still looking for summer work and I really want to see her accomplish this before I go. So, there are things for me to do. Still, I am finding it hard to wait. It is as if I have stopped my regular life in anticipation of my trip because I just don't want to move forward without DH.

There is a quote from the movie When Harry Met Sally that goes; "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible." That is exactly how I feel. I want the rest of my life to start right now.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni xo (love u DH)

Days 74 and 75

2010-05-25T08:34:00.001-07:00

46 days til I see DH.

Since my DH posted yesterday, I took the day off. It was Victoria Day here yesterday which is a celebration of Queen Victoria. Ask most Canadians who that is and they won't be able to tell you. They can tell you that they are celebrating the long weekend (also dubbed the two-four weekend for the two-fours of beer consumed during the weekend), that we typically have fireworks on the long weekend in May and that it is the official beginning of the summer season.

Although I took the day off of blogging, I did manage to get my house cleaned yesterday and then walked to fill my prescriptions for my trip. The bottle of malaria medication is huge and I am to take it with food, but not dairy because this reduces it's effectiveness. Also, I have to take it roughly the same time each day. I am terrible remembering to take pills, so I think I am going to have to set some kind of alarm reminder for myself. One other charming side effect of the medication is increased sensitivity to the sun. That is a really super side effect for a white girl going to an African country. I think I will be visiting Costco for my family size bottle of sunscreen. Good grief.

As much as I like to complain (and I do), I am getting quite excited about my trip. Next week is June and the month countdown will soon begin. I still have lots to do here - I am still trying to get teenager to get herself a summer job. Self motivation is not one of her strengths. Since she is also still busy at school, it is harder to get her out there to look. I hope she finds something soon because I don't want her sitting around all summer doing nothing.

That's it for me today. I just loved DH's post yesterday. My guy. Such a sweetheart.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni xo

(love you DH xxx)

Day 73

2010-05-24T11:36:00.000-07:00

Jenni`s posting today very is nice and should i say flattering, like she said my infuence on her is not intentional, i do just what i ought to do, no string attach.I love jenni so much and i appreciate her sincerity, strong will and hard work of bringing up our teenager all alone.
My being with her is not out of pity, but to re establish our commitment which we made 18yrs ago.
Well, with all honesty, i should say being with jenni also have some great influence in my life since our last vist to germany and the telephone calls and mails afterwards.
I have been a reserved person all these years, few friends, less visit to families and relatives house, all these is is due to various degree of discouragement, hatred, gossips among my families so i tried to avoid having conflict with them.
Meeting with jenni, and been an inquisitive and curious person subjects me to questioning, which i am not use to as she try to prive into my personal life, which i have guarded all my life.I find it a bit uncorfortable, however i let go of my guard by telling her some personal things about me, whenever i do this.... i feel vulnerable.

Guest post by DH.

Day 73

2010-05-23T10:14:00.001-07:00

48 days til I see DH.

There is a quote I like that goes, "I love you not for who you are, but for who I am when I am with you." One of the great things about loving someone and being with them is the ways in which they change you. It isn't that they want to intentionally, it is just the being with them that pushes you to be a better version of who you are.

Today DH and I were talking and he told me that he talks to me about things that he wouldn't talk about with anyone else. Kinda like forcing him out of his comfort zone into a place where he has to open up a little more than he is used to. I believe the same is true for me. I have spent many years taking care of my own needs and dealing with things on my own. Sharing everything with another person - that trust - is sometimes hard.

Sharing my life with DH - talking to him about what is going on with me, telling him things that are bothering me so that I can get his input, sharing stories about teenager so that I can get his father's perspective on a situation - is important to me because it is in these small moments of sharing that we become closer as a couple and as parents of our daughter. Maybe that is why I try to make sure that even though we live an ocean apart right now, that we communicate in some way everyday. To share our daily lives, to feel connected. Even the days when we have almost nothing to say, it is just good to know that we are still there for each other.

I know that I am a better version of myself when I am with DH. When I returned from Germany someone close to me commented on how I seemed different, more settled, more content. It is that person that DH brings out in me. And I do love who I am when I am with him.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to DH ... love u)

Day 72

2010-05-22T07:26:00.000-07:00

49 days til I see DH.

I am trying to convince DH to guest post on this blog. I think his perspective on things would be interesting and frankly, I would like to see what he has to say. He told me last night that I haven't had much to say lately on this blog. I guess filling space with Lionel Richie is boring. I will try not to do that anymore. Even though I thought Lionel was very worthy of his own post. Sorry Lionel.

I have a busy day today so I don't have much time to post. Perhaps DH will be talked into coming and filling this space for me.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH)

Day 71

2010-05-21T10:24:00.000-07:00

50 days until I see DH.

This morning at 2am my time, I woke to the sound of my phone ringing. I picked up to hear my brother in law on the other end, sounding bright and chipper. "Do you know who this is?" he asked me. "Yes, I think I do", I said, still half asleep.
"Who is it?", he asked me.
"It is E.", I replied.
"YEEEESSS you are correct" he shouted in my ear.

My brother in law (for the purposes of this blog, I will call him E.) lives in New York. Why he needed to call me at 2am wasn't all that clear to me but he did mention something about just coming from the airport. We chatted for a few minutes and then he asked me to call him this morning.

I called E. back this morning when I was much more lucid. I enjoy talking with him because he is lots of fun, and man can he talk. Among other things, we talked about my upcoming trip. E is also traveling to Nigeria at the end of June so we discussed meeting each other there when I arrive. We ended up talking for almost an hour.

During our conversation, I told E. that how lucky he is to have such a big family. Being an only child, I always wanted to have brothers and sisters. He told me that I do have a big family, that they are my family and that I should always remember that.

One of the things I admire and envy about Nigerians is their strong sense of family. They also have a tremendous hospitality. Coming from a small, rather distant family myself, I like the fact that DH has a big family with lots of brothers and sisters. I must admit that during my first trip to Nigeria, it was very difficult keeping track of everyone I was meeting. Despite my confusion, they were very welcoming and hospitable and it gave me such a warm feeling to be in their company. Even after my being away for 17 years, I have been welcomed into the home of DH's brother in Germany, E. calls me often and has invited me and teenager to come and stay with him in New York, DH's sister has spoken to me numerous times on the phone and is always generous with her kind words and invitations to visit.

This post is dedicated to my Nigerian family. The generosity and kindness you have shown me and teenager is overwhelming and I feel so blessed. I am so lucky to call you all family.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to DH and to my family - love you all)

Still - Lionel Richie

2010-05-20T18:57:00.000-07:00

Day 70

2010-05-20T18:28:00.000-07:00

51 days til I see DH.

What to do when you can't find anything to say... fill the space with music. Take it away Lionel Richie.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH ..Love you)

Day 69

2010-05-19T18:36:00.000-07:00

52 days til I see DH again.

Today's post is brought to you by the letter V - for visa. I received my visa to visit Nigeria today. After calling the high commission yesterday morning and discussing the particulars of my application, they returned my passport to me complete with a shiny new visa for Nigeria. Now all that remains of my preparation for my trip is a truck load of malaria meds, sunscreen, bug repellant and some neatly packed luggage.

52 days from now I will be in Lagos Nigeria. Sometimes I have to pinch myself to realize that this is really happening. 18 years later, I'm going back. I think this time I am slightly better prepared than I was before my last trip. For one thing, last time I had no idea what I was going to - I just knew I would find DH when I got off of the plane. For another thing, before my last trip I only got my yellow fever shot and I brought some malaria meds with me. Nothing else. Guess what? I ate one thing and got sick. This time I have had two shots, filled prescriptions for malaria meds, medication in case I get a stomach ailment, and I am taking various other medications just in case.

If I have any space left in my luggage, I may be able to fit some clothing.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (love you DH xo)

Day 68

2010-05-18T17:19:00.000-07:00

53 days til I see DH.

On January 11, 1993, I gave birth to a little girl whom for the purposes of this blog is referred to as teenager. She was two weeks late and frankly, has been late for everything ever since. I think her internal clock operates on African time... but that's just me. I remember being in the hospital with her the day she was born and after the visiting hours were over. I gazed at this little tiny being and suddenly felt my mortality. She was going to be on this earth after I was long gone. I had never felt so overwhelmed by that feeling until that day because up until then, it had been all about me.

Teenager was a very cute baby (yes, okay I am biased) but she was. Very chubby cheeks, chubby legs, cute dimples, curly hair - just lovely. I remember riding the public transit one day with her when I could still carry her in a snuggli and the old woman sitting next to me expressed her surprise at what a nice "tan" my baby had. Honestly.

As a child, teenager was very independent and made friends easily. She would always stand up for her friends when they didn't do so for themselves. She liked running, sports and has never been afraid of going up against boys when need be. I have always had immense pride in the person my daughter is. She has always had many of her dad's qualities which is a lesson in nature over nurture because they didn't actually meet each other until March of this year.

Sometimes I can't believe she is already approaching being 18. Our little girl is already a young woman. Although she has her teenage moments, she is strong, outspoken, smart, brave, and beautiful. She is everything I imagined she would be and more.

I am dedicating today's post to teenager. May life bring you success, love, happiness and much much more. You deserve everything.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to teenager J and to DH, S, and M - I love you all)

Day 67

2010-05-17T19:47:00.000-07:00

54 days til I see DH.

It's Monday, I'm still waiting for my visa. Maybe the God of visas will grant me the return of my visa'd passport sometime this week. Patience is not something I possess in abundance, and I find myself being required to test it constantly in the last little while.

I talked to DH on the phone today. Yes, I know.. the bills. Well, his computer isn't working very well right now and frankly, I needed the talk. Sometimes I just need to be able to talk with the man that I love. In my opinion, it should be free. Yeah, tell that to my long distance provider. In spite of the cost, we did have a really nice talk. I like it when we can be relaxed with each other and laugh about things just even for a little bit because all the serious stuff gets overwhelming sometimes. Then when we stop laughing we have these silences that become filled with both of us thinking that this really would be a much nicer conversation if we were together and then the damn thoughts of everything come back.

This whole arrangement is so fucked up and no matter how I try to see the goal, it still feels like shit everyday we are apart. It is so easy to become angry and bitter with the world when things seem unfair. I have to fight those feelings because all they serve to do is to eat at my insides and nothing good comes of it. Well, maybe the incentive to keep on fighting, but most times it is more defeatist than that. I just feel angry at where I live and the people who make the decisions about other people's lives in such an arbitrary fashion. And today I'm pissed at this commercial. I cry every damn time I watch it. I want them to show what this man had to go through to get to that point. That airport reunion. How no cup of coffee can ever give him the time he lost with his wife and kids back while he waited for immigration to process paperwork. Why don't they show all the people who are in detention waiting to be deported from their families and ask them if they want some coffee? We don't want you here, but enjoy some yummy coffee and a boston cream. For every one person who has the experience in this commercial, there are 100 who don't ever get that reunion. Yep - I'm bitter. And I was fucking born here.

I am happily giving up my double double, my cushy North American existence to travel to be with the man I love. Don't get me wrong, I am leaving far more than that. I am leaving my children, whom I love dearly. I know that I am being judged for this decision because the words abandonment have been used in my presence. I know in my heart that my decision is made and the outcome will be for the better of my family and most of all our children.

I hope that my kids will understand this one day.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to DH, S, J and M. - my family)

Day 66

2010-05-16T14:30:00.001-07:00

55 days til I see DH.

In my experience, guilt is a useless emotion. It only serves to make the person feeling it feel worse, and having it doesn't make anything that has happened any better. It is a popular emotion nonetheless. In my family, it has become an art. My grandmother is quite skilled in dolling out copious amounts of guilt when needed. If she wants you to do something for her, along with her asking comes a carefully disguised comment to remind you that she has done something for you in the past that would necessitate your now doing what she asks of you. This skill was passed on to my mother, who in turn uses guilt on me. I have been very careful to not continue this pattern with my kids. I don't understand the purpose it serves to have anyone do something for you just because they have been made to feel guilty. I would rather they didn't do it at all.

This is not to say that I don't have guilt in my life. I have more than I can handle. There are decisions I have made in the past that continue to haunt me and the guilt I feel about them sometimes staggers me with it's weight. Let me explain. When I was younger, and pregnant with teenager, DH and I were not together because he was in Africa and I had returned home to safely have our baby and to initiate his sponsorship here. After I had teenager, I made a decision to stop the sponsorship. I cannot explain this decision other than to say that I was confused about my life, things that had happened while DH was here, and what was going to happen when he was to arrive. I won't go into this part any further because really, in the end, there is no appropriate explanation in my mind. The final result is that in stopping the sponsorship, I denied two people who I love dearly the opportunity to spend their lives getting to know each other as father and daughter. I am not posting this for sympathy. Not at all. Rather for my a better understanding of the overwhelming guilt I feel over my decision and the results. Sometimes the guilt is so bad that I cannot imagine why DH would ever forgive me for such an act. I can't begin to fathom what it is that makes him still love me. I don't know how it is that teenager can forgive me. It shames me.

The irony of guilt is that no matter how much you feel it, it doesn't change anything. It is all still there. I have spent countless hours trying to figure out ways to correct what I have done, and I still haven't come up with anything worthwhile. I still end up feeling like I have destroyed something that I can never fix. This feeling is only made worse knowing that DH sits where he is right now because of me. Sometimes I cry just for a release of all this emotion. It doesn't work it just serves to make my face very puffy. I want so badly to be able to make things right, but I just don't know how. I don't know if anything I do will ever be enough.

I pray for absolution, but don't know if it will ever come. I wonder if it is me who has to forgive myself. Can anyone forgive me if I cannot forgive myself? Can I ever believe that anyone can forgive me if I cannot forgive myself? Some days I just don't know how I can move forward when all I can do is long for a second chance to make things right in the past. I see all my peers with their houses, families, and at my age I know that is where I should be. Then I am again reminded that it is my choices that have led to my present situation and the guilt returns.

I know that the people around me, those closest to me in my life can see all of this emotion in my behaviour, my actions and my face. I can't explain this to my kids because having a parent who isn't happy just makes them unhappy and I don't want that. I try to put on a good face, but lately I know that it just isn't there. It is almost as if I held onto everything all of this time, all the hurt, the pain, the emotion and once I saw DH in Germany, I allowed everything to come out because I just wanted to be able to let it go and be with him again... to make things right. But I am back in that place where he and I are apart and somehow even though everyone expects me to put it all away again, I cannot. Somewhere inside I knew this would be the case. I held everything in for so many years because I knew that if I let myself feel that it would be so powerful that it would take over. I don't regret it because this is who I really am. I have been hiding underneath a girl I didn't even know for almost 18 years. Someone who pretended to be someone she wasn't and hid under 100 pounds of fat to hide it even more. The thing is that along with the real me, I also have to deal with the guilt.

Today, I pray for the ability to forgive myself. To find some way to make my wrongs right. To be strong and full of conviction. To go into my heart and find that scared, confused 21 year old girl and tell her that it is okay to love herself again because people make mistakes. And then move forward without guilt.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH I love you so much)

Day 65

2010-05-15T14:10:00.000-07:00

56 days til I see DH.

Before March of this year, I used to have dreams about what it would be like when I finally saw DH again. I would picture it in my head going one of a thousand ways. Usually, it would be this intensely quiet moment when DH was finally able to see his daughter in person and time would just stop for that moment of reunion. You know, one of those airport reunions where everyone else in the airport just disappears and all you see is the person you have been waiting for? Many people have asked me what the actual moment was like and so I thought that I would try to put it down in words because all I have managed to say to people is that it was ... great. In person, I'm a girl of few words. I think DH would disagree, but I really am.

Teenager and I arrived in Germany a day before DH. We slept once we arrived in Germany to try and get over the jet lag and then the following morning, it was time to go and pick DH up at the airport. We were staying with his brother, and he confirmed that DH's flight had actually arrived earlier than expected and told teenager and I that we better get going. So, we rushed downstairs, hopped into his brother's car and that is when we realized that the tire was completely flat. We then all exited the car and waited as his brother called a taxi. The taxi finally arrived and we got in and headed to the airport.

When we exited the taxi, DH's brother took teenager and they walked a bit ahead of me into the airport. I think I was walking a bit slowly because my stomach was in knots. It isn't everyday that you are about to come face to face with a person you love dearly but haven't actually seen in 17 years. Then we entered the sliding doors of the airport and I looked up and could see that he was sitting waiting for us. We all walked towards him, he greeted his brother and then he saw teenager and hugged her. Then he hugged me too. It was so surreal but it all moved so fast. It was like this moment of amazing silence. Just the three of us standing there embracing and I just remember thinking to myself that I have finally come to this day. I was speechless. I just wanted to watch the two of them together - my little girl and her daddy. After we finished hugging each other, I can't remember exactly what was said, but DH and his brother said something to each other and his brother then went to get a taxi for us. DH and teenager sat down facing each other to wait and they just stared at each other and talked for a minute. I just watched these two central people in my life finally able to see each other for the first time and I thanked God in my heart for bringing us to that place.

After a minute or two, DH asked teenager if she would mind if he talked to me alone for a minute. He and I just walked a couple of steps away around the corner and I just remember holding him and feeling him shiver. I think it was both the moment and from the cold weather in Germany that day. We were about to say something to each other and then his brother came back.

We called teenager over and then we all went out to the waiting cab and home.

I wanted to tell this story because I want to document it while most of it is still clear in my head. I think we were there in that airport for about 15 minutes. Even writing this, I can just recall how amazing that moment was and what a gift it was to have that opportunity. I will never ever forget it. It was really a dream come true and not everyone gets that.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH - love you)

Day 64

2010-05-14T13:59:00.000-07:00

57 days til I see DH again.

I have begun the countdown to my trip. I like that the days til I see him again are less than the days since I saw him last. It is nice to have something to look forward to.

Today has been a good day. It is sunny here again and the temperature is finally feeling like May instead of March. I got a good workout in this morning which always makes me feel good. While on this topic, I would like to just ask the universe why it is that fat in the middle area of a woman's body is so damn difficult to get rid of. Also, the fat at the top of the legs? What is it with trying to get rid of such fat? I am finding it more difficult now that I am approaching 40. It is like the fat has set up house on my body and intends to stay. This could also be because I haven't cut out refined white foods and anything that tastes remotely good. If I was eating only greenery, perhaps the fat in question would be melting off my tummy and thighs. Alas, I love Ben, Jerry and Haagen Daaz too much to give them up for good just yet. I long to have one of those metabolisms that just melt away everything I put in my mouth. Not me, I have to work it off. I shouldn't be too hard on myself, I have lost 100 pounds in the past year. Not too shabby I think. I feel 100% better, and I look better. It is nice to be able to shop for regular size clothes. First time since I was about 20.

I spent some time today chatting with DH. This morning I HAD to call him (notice the emphasis?) because I had to provide him with some important information only to be relayed over the phone. Then he sent me the most lovely e-mail. Sometimes his e-mails are so great, I want to print them up and frame them. He just says these things that melt my heart and make me feel so lucky to have found this tremendous man. Whenever I think of how he and I met, I am reminded of how life can change with every breath we take. I was just coming home with a friend, and there he was, this man who would still be part of my life 19 years later. Incredible. It makes me certain that each of us has a destiny to be fulfilled and that something greater than us is moving that destiny along.

Over the years I have been given two separate thankful journals in which I was supposed to write the things for which I am thankful each day. Usually, I am terrible at keeping any kind of journal - this blog is the first time I have actually stuck to writing on a semi daily basis. I didn't really utilize my thankful journals, but I do want to take the remainder of today's post to list the things for which I am thankful.

my family and their health
having love in my life
the sun shining
having a roof over my head
my children
DH
my friends
my health
the internet (for obvious reasons)
forgiveness

When I look at my list I know that I am blessed because I have so many things in my life that make me happy. My goal is to try and focus on these things rather than the things I do not have. For all of my gifts, I am thankful.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo DH - I love you)

Day 63

2010-05-13T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today is just an update, because I have been running around like a chicken with my head cut off all day getting things done. Among those things I officially secured my ticket to Lagos. I am booked on a flight leaving on July 10th. I'm very excited about this trip and a wee bit nervous at the same time. I have lots to do before I leave and I am famous for overestimating the amount of time I have until a deadline. By the time my girls finish their school year, I am going to be one week away from my departure.

I think the fact that Canada will be experiencing July heat will be an advantage since I won't have such a shock in temp change when I arrive in Africa. No matter, I am excited and anxious to see my DH again.

Not much other news to report. It is rainy and cold here and people are still wearing their winter coats. In May. Maybe we won't be having July heat when I leave. Maybe it will be one of those cold summers that we sometimes have. I think we are due for one actually. Or was that last summer?

My efforts to curb my phone talk with DH are going somewhat okay. I called him briefly this morning (for about 3 minutes) because he had called me and I didn't notice until after the call had dropped, and I thought there might be something wrong. Then I called him again when I arrived home from running around today. By then it was around 10 or 11pm there and he was about to go to sleep. Sleep, the phone, and DH do not mix. He is not really a phone person anyway, but when he is tired, it is akin to talking to a lion on the phone. I think he would prefer to rip the phone to shreds and eat it than talk on it. Teenager is the same. She has a cell, but currently has no idea where it has gone. Neither of them are phone people. I am willing to put up with it as long as it means I can hear the voice of someone I love. I guess I am just the sappy one out of all of us. Anyway, I didn't talk with him more than 10mins total today so I would say that is improvement. And, I didn't call yesterday.

That's it for now. I think I might start a countdown to my departure as well as counting the days since I last saw DH. We'll see.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my sleepy DH aka the JM)

Days 61 and 62

2010-05-12T06:38:00.001-07:00

One of the major difficulties about long distance relationships is communication. I have mentioned before how difficult it is to communicate by telephone to Nigeria - the connection is poor, fuzzy and there is an echo. It is also expensive. The alternates to calling are text and e-mail. Texting can also get expensive depending on your provider's plan. E-mail tends to be the best option in terms of affordability - as long as DH's computer system/provider is working and doesn't kick him off every time he tries to type.

The hardest part about being back in Canada following my trip to Germany in March was having to once again communicate with DH via telephone and computer. While he was in Germany, it was certainly a clear telephone line and affordable in comparison to calling Lagos, but it was still the phone. When DH returned to Lagos, I just didn't want to give up talking to him everyday. So, I made use of my phone/cell phone/internet provider as often as I could and I think I have made them quite happy in terms of their revenue for the month of April. I got my phone bill yesterday.

When I opened my bill and looked at it, I cannot say that I was surprised. What I felt actually is like a little girl who has no self control at all. I mean it is evident from looking at my bill that I am the one calling 2-3 times per day some days. Who does that to Nigeria for heaven's sake? What does that say about my ability to control myself? The irony of the situation is that DH doesn't even like talking on the phone, I think he just does it for me. Which makes me feel even more ridiculous and out of control. I don't even think I have gone a day yet without talking to DH on the phone. Maybe there is some kind of AA like program for people like me. Long distance phone callers anonymous. I imagine someone policing this program who would appear to me each time I go to call and say, "put down the phone Jennifer.. call your sponsor".

I suppose in the end, it is all about how much I miss him and how alone I feel. Which for all my kidding about calling, isn't really funny at all. I feel as if I am waiting for my life to begin because half of me is on the other side of the world. I can't concentrate, I have trouble sleeping, sometimes I cannot eat (and if you know me, you would know that not eating is a big thing for me). I exercise to try and relieve the stress but now I have put too much strain on my ankle and I'm worried I have done something serious to it. To summarize, I'm a mess. I know that I should pull on my big girl panties and deal with things, but there are days that I just don't know how to start. I don't feel strong, or confident or able to handle anything. I feel small and insignificant and exhausted inside. I need someone to hold me and tell me everything is going to be all right. And the worst part about that is, that someone can't do that for me because he isn't here. So I call him to feel better and ... well you know.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (love you DH xxoo)

Day 60

2010-05-10T19:04:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow it will be 2 months since I met DH in Germany. I am dedicating this post to my DH, because I love him very much and I know that right now, he is going through a hard time.

Your perseverance is one of the things that I admire most about you. Your ability to hold onto your dreams in spite of what others might say. The pride with which you carry yourself. Your inner strength and calm. Your acceptance of others despite their misgivings. All these things make you special. All of them make up the person I love so very much.

You are my soul mate and my best friend. Forever and 22 days.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xoxoxox to you)

Day 59

2010-05-09T19:25:00.000-07:00

Today's post is about arguments, fighting, discussions, whatever it is that you wish to call them. It is about two people, two different personalities, two different worlds, coming together and trying to understand each other. It has always been my opinion that the most difficult part of a relationship is the relating to each other. It is easy to fall in love with someone, to feel the connection, to feel lust. What is hard, what makes long term relationships special, is the ability of the two people to be able to relate to each other as partners and as friends. It is their ability to work through the areas in which they don't agree.

DH and I have always had very spirited arguments. When we were younger, I think I used to actually throw objects at the poor guy from anger and frustration. I know reading this, he is going to be saying that I focus on the bad stuff all the time, but I respectfully disagree because there is a lot of great stuff in this blog already. I have never met another person who can get under my skin like he does. I think it is the passion I feel for him that creates such a reaction when we are arguing. That and the fact that frequently, I cannot get a word in edgewise. We both end up yelling over each other (which is made worse right now when we argue over the phone that has a delay in the transmission to the other person) and neither of us hears what the other one is saying. I think it was this thought that prompted the choice of the Ne-Yo song, which is one of my favorites anyway.

I hate arguing. I hate the feeling I get inside my body when I argue with DH, the weak, sick feeling. I hate that it just ends up bringing up things that didn't even start out being the subject of the argument in the first place. Arguments come from a place of misunderstanding. For DH and I, this is made worse by our environment (well, it is worse in this area for DH), our being apart, our past. All these things get wrapped up in whatever we are fighting about.

Then you bring in 2 different styles of arguing. I am really insecure so I guard what I say because I fear that whatever I express is going to lead to DH deciding that he doesn't want to deal with my shit anymore. Whereas DH is really confident in his opinions, but doesn't like arguing, so he tends to walk away or be quiet in the middle of an argument. This immediately causes me to panic because I think he is shutting me out. If I push him to continue, sometimes this will lead to him saying something that totally presses my buttons. Something he knows will really hurt. Or maybe he doesn't know, but he knows that it will sting at least.

Where am I going with all this? Well, this being my blog, I felt that I needed to talk about this today. It might also have to do with the fact that I argued with DH this morning via chat. First of all, chat is a shitty way to argue with someone because they can just walk away from their computer if they want to. It is totally ridiculous and kind of funny looking at it from tonight's perspective. It wasn't really funny at the time. During this particular argument, DH said something to the effect of "two weeks isn't enough" referring to my asking for more attention. I knew what he was referring to right away. Something inside me didn't want to go to that place, so I asked him what he meant. He tried to avoid it for a bit, and then it came out. It was the 2 weeks we spent in Germany.

Two small weeks in 20 years of being apart. Reading that on the computer screen made me feel small and insignificant. I felt like anything I had done that was positive before that moment didn't matter because my worth was all wrapped up in that one statement. 2 weeks isn't enough.

We have since resolved this argument and the point of this post isn't to begin a new one. I just needed to write down what happened when I read that because of where my reaction comes from. You see, as I have said before in this blog, it was because of a decision I made that DH and I were apart for so long. I won't discuss the reasons for that decision tonight - it is it's own post believe me. That decision, and it's repercussions have left me with more guilt than I know what to do with. I guess what scared me about reading what DH said is that I don't know when it will be enough. How much time will have to pass, how many things will have to happen before it becomes enough? And it left me with other questions.

Am I too needy? Do I call too much? Is he just trying to put up with me while he is trying to deal with his life there? Am I making everything more complicated?

There is a beautiful song by India Arie called He Heals me. I copied some of the lyrics here:

Told him my biggest secret
And he told me four.
He smiled at me and said that makes him love me more
And then he made me laugh
And I knew it was a sign
That he was a man,
That I wanted in my life

And with every passing day
I feel more and more of that way

He heals me
He knows the real me
And he accepts me, he never hurts me
He heals me

I can play him songs, all through the night,
And he will listen to every line,
And even when I'm wrong, he is still kind
He chooses his words wisely when he tells me I'm not right.

And yes he is a beautiful man,
But he is also a beautiful friend

I love this song because it is just such a beautiful description of love and acceptance. I love it because I believe that love should be the thing in your life that heals you. If it isn't, then what is the point of this crazy, scary, wonderful trip we are all in here on earth? You can't take anything with you of monetary or physical value when you leave this earth, so I think that you should make sure that you loved with everything you are and have no regrets. It is the moments that you spent with the people you love that you will take with you.

Everyday I know that I love DH with everything I am, everything I have. I may get upset at the things he says to me, but that doesn't change what I feel inside for him. It may sound cliche, but I love him with everything I am and I have loved him, since I was 19 years old. There isn't anything I can do to get the time we spent apart back, what I can do is tell him and show him that I love him completely everyday for the rest of our lives.

I think that should be enough.

Mad

2010-05-09T19:17:00.000-07:00

Day 58

2010-05-08T12:53:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is mother's day. I am not sure of the origin of mother's day, whether it is a card company creation or not. Every year without fail, teenager asks me the same question on mother's day. "Why isn't there a kid's day?" To which I reply, "everyday is kids day". Although we don't celebrate it on a huge scale, it is nice to have a day to recognize the mothers in our lives.

My mom is pretty close to my age, we are only 18 years apart. I am an only child of a single parent, so our relationship has been very close. Sometimes too close. In fact, I have spent a great deal of my adult life trying to separate myself from having my mother as my best friend. I don't think it is healthy - it hasn't been for me anyway. I love my mom dearly and I know from my own experience that being a single mom is hard work. She has done a lot for me as a single parent and I recognize that. Our relationship is a complicated one and it is once again going through changes, as relationships do over time. As my mother, she loves me in spite of my shortcomings. I know that she is doing her best to understand and support me, and that is something I really appreciate. I love her dearly... she is my mom. On this mother's day I am blessed to have her.

I also wanted to talk about my other mum who isn't with us anymore, but is still a big part of my life. She gave me an amazing gift, DH. I believe that it is because of her that he is the person he is today - a reflection of her ability to be calm, peaceful, tempered, loving and caring even in the face of adversity. She showed me love and acceptance even when my decisions weren't deserving of those emotions. She always reached out to me and expressed her love for her granddaughter. I have told teenager what a very special woman her grandmother was, and what a loss it is to not have her with us anymore. I miss her terribly. She had this lovely, smiling cherub face that just lit up a room. Such happiness and joy that you could feel it looking at her. On this mother's day I want to tell you how much I love you and miss you mummy A - and thank you for still watching over us.

Happy Mother's Day to all the mothers out there.

Until tomorrow,
Jenni (xo to my DH and to my kiddies, J, M and S)

Days 55 to 57

2010-05-07T18:09:00.000-07:00

My household is once again equipped with computers. Two working computers in fact. This is a blessing because not only can I blog without using a library computer, but I don't have to wrestle the teenager for use of the computer. Worth every penny it took to fix them both I say.

It is Friday once again - the first one in May. I am awaiting the arrival of my visa from the Nigerian High Commission. Considering they observe both Canadian and Nigerian public holidays, and there were 2 public holidays in Nigeria last week, I know that nothing is happening with my visa until next week. I am hoping for early next week, but I will not hold my breath on that one. Since this is my final step prior to securing the plane ticket, I am a wee bit anxious for my visa to arrive.

My visit to the lawyer's office was informative and helpful. DH and I now know what we have to do prior to even beginning the application for sponsorship process. Once these things are taken care of, we can begin the application. In my opinion, I think this trip I am making will be helpful in being able to sort things out. Just to be able to talk to each other face to face will be a welcome change. Not that e-mail and text aren't handy, but they aren't replacements for being able to talk to someone face to face. Especially when you need to have discussions about important things. I know I have talked about the difficulties surrounding communication to Lagos before, so I won't go there again.

DH is traveling tomorrow which makes me nervous. I worry about his safety and his health. Right now he is trying to quit smoking (you go baby!) and I think the withdrawal is getting to him. I smoked very casually for a while when I was in my very early 20's, but it was never so serious that I couldn't quit just like that. I was never dependent on it. In fact, I recall having terrible headaches after smoking and it just turned me off. DH has smoked all the time I have known him and I know he is feeling the effects of going off of cigarettes cold turkey. I know that no matter what I can tell him about the benefits, it will be his choice about whether he quits or not. It is just one of those things that you have to decide that you need to do for yourself. For me, it was a year ago when I decided that I no longer wanted to be fat and unhealthy. I had to push and push myself to exercise and stop looking for comfort in food that wasn't good for me. After a lifetime of doing that, it is pretty damn hard to stop. It didn't matter what anyone had told me about how important eating healthy and exercising is, it was me who had to make the decision to workout and get better. I think it is the same thing with smoking. So, I just told DH that I love him, his kids love him and we all support him and to just take one day at a time.

That's it for updates. As I said, it is Friday and I am kidless at the moment. Teenager is at a sleepover and cutie is at her dad's house. Just me. These are the times I find not having DH here the hardest. There is nothing like being able to just sit and relax with the person you love on a rainy Friday night. Instead, he is fast asleep because it is almost 3am there, and I am going to check out the movies on tv. I know that I will get my turn. And I am trying to be patient. I really am.

Until tomorrow,
Jenni (xox DH) xx - for my little man S.

Days 50 - 54

2010-05-04T10:42:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been neglecting my blog. Well, not on purpose though. We have had a computer meltdown in my house and went from having 2 working computers to none in a period of 3 weeks. Right now a kind tekkie is looking at the laptop and is going to let me know what it is going to take (money wise) to fix it. I am hoping that the solution is simple rather than complicated. I have way too much complicated in my life and I don't need it from a stupid computer.

In other news, I sent in my application for a Nigerian visa today. Sending a passport through the postal system isn't exactly my idea of fun, but I gotta do what I gotta do. I have done this before, but it was almost 20 years ago. I was more trusting in my youth. If they don't send that thing back to me, I'm going to Ottawa to get it. The hurdles one has to pass through in the Canadian passport office would be more difficult than driving all the way to Ottawa to the High Commission to ask where the heck my passport went.

Following receipt of my lovely visa, I will be purchasing my ticket to go and see DH. To say that I'm excited at the prospect of seeing him again is an understatement. It will have been exactly 4 months since I last saw him by the time I arrive in Nigeria. In the meantime, I have things to stock up on like bug repellant, sunscreen, green tea, peanut butter, immodium, malaria pills etc. I don't know if I will have any space in my luggage for clothes, because it seems to me it is going to be filled with medications and food. It's so worth it and I'm in no way intending this to be complaining. I will love every minute of my packing and the 2 six hour flights. What I will love more is seeing that face again. How I miss it.

Finally, I have an appointment this week to see a lawyer regarding sponsorship because I also want to get that started before I leave.

It's a busy time and I'm hoping so busy that it will make the months of May and June go more quickly than April did.

Well, that's it for now. My library computer time has almost expired. I will try and write again very soon with more updates.

Until next time,

Jenni (xoxoxxxx DH ... love u)

Days 49 and 50

2010-04-30T16:08:00.000-07:00

Updates:

Progression towards DH coming here .... nil
Progression towards me travelling to Lagos.... 1 point for the visa app.
Changes in plans since Germany ..... 10? - this is an approximate
Current phone bill.... Oh, I'd say about $500? this is a low estimate
Current financial situation... sucks and getting worse daily
Current love life... well good but I can't actually see or touch him
Current patience level... wearing thin
Goals ... to erase stupidity within the immigration system, to learn to speak German, Yoruba and Pidgin English, to have my whole family with me and to experience what it is like to have that kind of happiness.

I don't think these are lofty goals for a woman approaching the age of 40. Lately, I have had numerous people tell me to have faith and things will work out. I have faith, but things are sucking. Is this to teach me a lesson of some kind? I think I have asked this question before. I will now get away from the God talk.

Today is Friday and this morning I got an e-mail from DH telling me about something that happened to him today concerning the house he currently lives in and some of his sibling's feelings about him living there. Things are not good for my sweetheart right now and I just feel so helpless because I want to be there to talk to him and comfort him and I'm not. I want to rescue him, but I don't quite know how. It is moments like this that I just want to be rich so that I can solve problems only solvable with money. Lots of money. Not having money requires creativity and the ability to come up with money. It is a vicious cycle. Currently, as I stated above, I am sinking into the abyss of being broke and it is scary. I am more scared about how DH and I are going to work out being together.

I feel as if we are on one of those rides that spins you around and around and I need to hold my breath and close my eyes or else I will never find the right path again. Does that make sense?

Sometimes life is so fucking unfair.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xox to my darling DH)

Day 48

2010-04-28T12:54:00.000-07:00

Today I am attempting to finalize my paperwork so that I can apply for a visa to visit Nigeria. There is a new step in this process from the last time I applied. There is a website that requires an online payment of $75 US dollars which, from my inspection, appears to go directly to Nigeria. I will reserve my comments for now because I haven't actually got my visa yet and I don't want to ruffle any feathers.

Silly girl that I am, I filled out the online form and then I arrived at the payment portion. Well, I don't have a ccard, and have to borrow the use of one. So, I have to hold onto the code they gave me and hope that they don't trash my application while they are waiting for my money to arrive. Why isn't anything easy? I just don't understand.

On the plus side, once I have my visa, all that remains is the purchase of the plane ticket. Did I just ask why isn't anything easy? Well, ditto here. DH was joking with me today and asked me if I could walk there. Well, walk and swim. He told me a very sad but funny story about a man who actually tried to swim the ocean. Good God - I suppose I can understand the desperation, but the temperature of the water, the sea life and the distance would deter me I think. If DH were accessible by car, hell, I'd be there already. Or he would be here. One or the other.

In other more important news, it is my little man S's 5th birthday today! Happy happy birthday my darling. I wish you much happiness, really good cake and an amazing year ahead. I wish I could be there to see you celebrate today. I'm working on it.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to S and DH xoxo)

Days 46 and 47

2010-04-27T09:02:00.000-07:00

I have sometimes been accused of being a pessimist. Seeing the glass half empty instead of half full. Remembering the bad rather than the good. I don't think this is necessarily true, I have had many wonderful things happen in my life and I am thankful for them because remembering them gets me through the tough stuff.

When I was in the Ivory Coast, DH and I were staying at a small hotel. One night we decided that it would be nice to go out since we hadn't done anything like that in a while. So, we got dressed up and went to this place that served the yummiest chicken I can remember eating. We ate, we laughed and talked and then we went to a bar/club kind of place. I remember that they were playing a song and DH and I just started dancing, right there and then. I don't even remember if anyone else was dancing, I didn't really care. I just remember the two of us, being there, together. I think about that night when I feel alone and scared and it reminds me about what I'm fighting for. That love that is there no matter what other stuff is going on around us. That love that made a beautiful 17 year old girl.

It is that love that sustains me and drives me forward. Not money, the place I live, the things that I have. It is that simple... not complicated at all.

Until tomorrow,
Jenni (xo DH)

Day 45

2010-04-25T14:25:00.000-07:00

It's Sunday. Things are progressing - this week I'm going to apply for a visa to travel to Nigeria. I had my shots last week and so medically, I'm pretty ready. The plan is for me to travel by July which is the rainy season I'm told. I think I will be taking a very large supply of DEET with me. Damn mosquitoes. Carriers of the world's disease. Blech.

I have other things to organize prior to my trip and I am starting a checklist because otherwise, I will never get things organized. July seems like such a long time from now. Another 2 months. I think both DH and I need the time to prepare though, so it will go fast (hopefully). In any case, you will be hearing how it's going daily right here.

Not much else to say today - did Sunday stuff. Chatted with DH. Wished I was getting on a plane tomorrow to see him. Same old stuff. I'm so predictable.

Until tomorrow,
Jenni (love you DH xo - xx's for S)

Day 44

2010-04-24T09:03:00.000-07:00

In case it isn't evident from the title of this blog, DH and I had many years apart. I'm not going to sugar coat this, the years we spent apart were because of a decision I made. It was the wrong one for a multitude of reasons, but like all things that happen in the past - no matter how much I would love to change it I simply cannot.

When I was on the plane traveling to Germany, I kept thinking to myself that this was my time of reckoning. I would have to explain the decisions I made face to face with the person I love most, but also hurt more than I could ever take back. Then, the night before DH arrived, his brother was showing teenager and I some pictures and he suddenly came out and asked me, "so what happened with you bringing DH to Canada?" and both he and teenager looked at me, waiting for my response. I remember feeling this rush to my head but I honestly cannot remember what I said. I just knew that I needed to go outside and clear my head. I walked around the block and I wondered how I was ever going to explain my decision to the face of the man I love.

I think it took a day or two before we talked about it. The thing about DH is, he doesn't come out and yell and scream and get angry right away, the pain and hurt kind of seep out in things he says over time. It doesn't just get dealt with and put away. Not that I think that it should be put away - I can't ever reason with myself about what I did so I don't think that I could reason it to anyone else.

It isn't my intention to rehash our whole story here. I guess what prompted this is because last night DH and I were talking on the phone and more of his hurt and pain came out when he was "discussing" (I say this because he tells me he never yells) something else. It was the first time I have heard him say to me that he has scars inside from being hurt and that is why he doesn't let anyone in anymore. Hearing that just hurt so much I cannot even describe it in words. I don't know that I will ever be able to forgive myself for causing such pain to a person I love so so much. I can try to explain what I did by saying that I was young, and stupid and scared and confused and I just plain didn't know what I was doing. But that will never take it away or make it better. And I just want so much to make it better for him.

The other thing that happened while we were apart were the other relationships we entered into. We both got married to other people and had kids with them at around the same time. My marriage is over. It has been for a long time. In fact, it never really started for me but that is a whole different blog. DH also has a spouse. I have never met her, but I do talk to her over computer from time to time. This is something I am doing to try and keep peace but I cannot say that it is comfortable for me. My instinct is to try and get her as far away from DH as possible. I think it is a natural reaction not to want to share the person you love with anyone else. I try not to think about the fact that she has a connection with him that I am not a part of, nor will I ever be. I know that she still loves him, so I am pretty sure she is having the same reaction about me. The worst part I think is that there isn't anything I can do about any of it because I'm here and she is there... where he is. Where I want to be. I can't help thinking that this situation exists because of the damned decisions I made and I have no one to blame for any of it but myself. Which makes it all hurt more.

This post is turning into a pity party today so I'm going to stop here and now. The past is past and like I said, I can't change it. I just wake up everyday and try to make the present and future better. And remember how lucky I am to have a second chance with the person I love. Not everyone gets that.

Until tomorrow,
Jenni (love u DH xox)

Days 42 and 43

2010-04-23T07:50:00.000-07:00

I missed posting yesterday because we are currently down one computer in our house so I have to wrestle the teenager for the remaining one. She usually trumps me since it is in her room, so for now I will have to take what I can get.

Today I feel pretty good. The sun is shining, I got to chat on the phone with DH last night and he sent me some really great mail today and I just feel peaceful. In honour of my good mood, I am dedicating this post to DH.

You are my best friend and I love you very much. I admire your resilience, your tenacity and your strength. You always see the positive in every situation, no matter how bad. When I am around you I feel as if anything is possible and I feel blessed for having you in my life. I cannot imagine another person that I would rather grow old with. I know that I have told you all this before but you can never tell the person you love that you love them too many times.

Mo ni fe e

4 ever and 22 days

Jenni xo

Day 41

2010-04-21T18:11:00.000-07:00

In honour of the video I have posted by Taio Cruz, I thought I would use today's post to discuss infidelity. If you have watched the video, you know that the lyrics to the song go something like this;

Now listen to me baby,
Before I love and leave you,
They call me heartbreaker,
I don't want to deceive you.
If you fall for me,
I'm not easy to please,
I might tear you apart,
Told ya from the start, I'm only going to break your heart.

Essentially, the song is a disclaimer that the guy is a cheater. And, because he is letting you know up front, this absolves him of any responsibility for the cheating. Cause, he told you right? I did some wiki research about Taio Cruz. Which isn't his name. He is actually born of a Nigerian father and a Brazilian mother.

Being in a relationship with one, I have had the opportunity to meet many Nigerian men in my life. In my experience, fidelity isn't a priority for many of the Nigerians I have met. Now, I am not grouping everyone together here, I am only talking from experiences with the people I have met. As a woman, I cannot understand the difficulty in having a man stay faithful to just one woman. When you are young and unattached, of course please play the field - have fun! That is what youth is for. However, what I'm saying is, if you are committed to one person and you have made that promise, then why do you need to stray? This isn't just for Nigerian men, but for all men. Yes, opportunities to cheat will always present themselves. That doesn't mean you need to take them. Does the woman you are committed to not give you enough that you can feel satisfied? Do you have to have more than one woman to feel like a man? Or, is it just so that you can prove to yourself that you still have what it takes to snag a woman? I just don't understand.

I have heard men say that it doesn't matter whether they cheat as long as they come home afterwards to the woman they "really" love. They don't love their wife any less, they just expect to have something on the side. Well, that argument doesn't bode well with me. That is just a bunch of bullshit.

Let me give you this woman's perspective. If I enter a relationship and, like the girl in the video, I am open to having an open relationship and if this is a mutually agreed upon thing, and that is the way you roll, then so be it. Fine. Good. If I enter a relationship and I don't want to share my partner with anyone else, then I would make this clear at the beginning and expect that by the time we are serious with each other, then he has the same feelings about not sharing. Meaning, I would expect him not to cheat on me and I would be pretty certain that he would expect the same from me.

As much as some people think it isn't a big deal, let me tell them this. The idea of someone you love being unfaithful is the ultimate betrayal of trust. It isn't just about the sex, it is about breaking promises. About giving a part of yourself to someone else that is supposed to be reserved for your partner. If you can't handle that, you shouldn't be in a relationship. Plain and simple.

Uppy date: I have nothing today. No updates. Just preaching to the choir today. ;)

Until tomorrow,
Jenny (xo to my DH... somewhere out there)

Break your heart

2010-04-21T18:02:00.000-07:00

Day 40

2010-04-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

Today I borrowed a book from the public library that is supposed to help me learn Yoruba. I thought it would be nice to at least try to learn a little bit since DH speaks the language and then the next time I am in a room filled with Nigerians, I can catch a word now and then and maybe not feel so ... foreign. I got the book home, took a look through the first few pages and realized that this book is supposed to have an accompanying CD to help with the teaching. Of course, the CD did not come with the book at the library. And one look inside this book made me acutely aware that I need the help of someone who speaks the language to be able to understand its variances. Someone once told me that English was the most difficult language to learn. I disagree. I have never seen a language where you can say things in "tones" and although the letters you are saying look the same on the page, they mean very different things depending on the tone with which you say them. For instance (this is taken from the book):

low tone as in /bi/ (and picture a little accent mark above the i going downwards from left to right) ---- according to the book to throw up
mid tone as in /bi/ (no accent this time) ---- according to the book to ask a question
high tone as in /bi/ (accent from right to left above the i) ---- this is to deliver a baby

After I read the above passage, I thought wow, I'm screwed. There is no way I'm learning Yoruba from this book. I need the CD or I need to ask a Nigerian with patience and who won't laugh endlessly at what will surely be very horrible pronunciation of the language, to assist me. This book calls itself the complete course for beginners. I think not. There is a whole section on greeting people and it includes greetings according to whether the person you are greeting is older or younger, what time of day it is, and if you are related to them or not. And when I say what time of day, I mean specific blocks of time like from 8 to 12 and 1 to 4 and 4 to 9 and so on. And the letters spelling the words are covered in dots and accents. I don't know how anyone types in Yoruba because it would take me years to find all the necessary accents in Word on the computer. Maybe I should start with Pidgin English because every once in a while some English words are thrown in there.

Nothing to update today. Tomorrow I have an appointment to have a yellow fever shot. This is a required shot when travelling to Africa. You cannot obtain a visa without first receiving the shot. I did have one the last time I went, but the shot only lasts 10 years, so I have to have a new one. Have I said all this already? I'm having deja vu.

I talked to DH on the phone today which was my little bit of heaven for the day. It was such a clear call and we just talked about what we did today and the kids and it was kind of nice to have a conversation free of all the stuff that we usually talk about. I look forward to the day when we can just talk everyday about regular stuff ... in person. It's funny how something so many people take for granted can be such a big thing for someone who doesn't have it.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (xo to my DH and S)

Day 39

2010-04-19T17:53:00.000-07:00

My youngest daughter, whom I will call cutie for the purposes of this blog, is a disney princess fanatic. She loves watching the movies, dressing up like princesses, and when she plays dress up she always asks me to be the prince and dance with her at the ball. Disney is a brilliant marketing machine that has been convincing generations of girls that happily ever after is possible. It is very difficult to explain to a 5 year old that the concept of the prince whisking away the princess and them living happily ever after isn't real, that is why they call them fairy tales.

I have to say that my childhood was spent secretly believing in this illusion. I think it has something to do with my parents divorcing and my father having no place for me in his "new" life with wife #2. The absence of my father left me searching for a person who could make me believe that a man could love me and be the prince that I secretly longed for. Looking back now, I pretty much had the word desperate flashing across my forehead. I was needy, unhappy with my home life and ripe for the picking. This could have brought me loads of trouble. DH and I actually had this discussion in Germany. About just how vulnerable I was when I met him. We met at a bus stop at 2am in the city where I live. After I had been at a club with a friend from out of town. Who, by the way, asked me repeatedly to get off the bus we were on and walk her home that night. I didn't and do you know why? Because there was this guy sitting across from us on the bus that night and I knew if I got off, I wouldn't see him again. I totally ditched my friend for the chance at meeting the guy. Then he got off at the same stop as me and I was so excited. In retrospect I don't know why I was excited because there was no guarantee he was going to talk to me, and I certainly wasn't going to approach him (although I wanted to, but I wouldn't do that) So, I schemed and pulled out a cigarette (yes, I was smoking) and my scheme worked because he bummed one off of me. Then we started talking, the bus came, we talked more and then he got off at the same stop as me. Well, his getting off with me was purposeful - he didn't live anywhere near me. The rest, dear reader, is history. Because the guy was DH. And, really, he could have been some kind of stalker for all I knew and I wasn't even thinking about that. I know what I was thinking, but I think I will leave that up to the reader to assume.

Back then, I used to call DH my prince charming. Being with him made me endlessly happy. I felt wanted and safe and loved and like I finally had the life I was meant to have. And our life back then was pretty rough. We hardly had anything. I used to get on the transit system bus before him and throw my pass out the window so he could get on the next bus. Good grief. I didn't care though, I had him next to me and that is all that mattered. Ah, the carelessness of youth.

Then karma, or God or whomever took my little paradise and turned it upside down and inside out. And it turned into 17 years, 8 months and 15 days of being apart. And the disney princess fantasy has been wiped away by years of reality. Even though part of me longs to believe in the happily ever after a la disney scenario, I cannot. There is too much reality in my life to do that anymore. I'm not 19 years old anymore. Life isn't fair, it doesn't always give you what you pray for and you have to try and figure out the reasons why. Why some people get happiness and some sorrow. Why some people get rich and some are so poor they don't eat for days. Why horrible random things happen like my cousin being killed on his motorcycle at the age of 18 after sneaking out his bedroom window one night to try riding it. Sometimes there is no sense to be made out of life, it just is what it is.

What is the update? Plan D, and E and F and whatever the hell plan it takes to get us where we need to be. Because I'm not giving up and I am not going to allow borders, or money or any other thing to dictate my life to me. I'm not looking for a fairy tale, what I am looking for is a life well lived, filled with love, kids and family so that when this journey ends for me, I will look back with no regrets. And I will have lived my own version of happily ever after.

Until tomorrow,

Jenni (still my prince charming, xo DH)

Day 38

2010-04-18T14:38:00.000-07:00

Last night I was reading information on the internet regarding the "immigration system" in Canada. I found a very interesting chat board with all sorts of valuable information regarding our current system. The board members also write regularly about their personal experiences with the system. Some of them have been waiting to see loved ones for 5 or more years. In one of the posts I was reading, I came across an article written by Guidi Mamann regarding the pitfalls of sponsoring a foreign fiancee. Mr. Mamann is a lawyer and immigration specialist as well as being a former employee of Immigration Canada. The columns he has written are archived on his website and are very informative and well worth the read.

Unfortunately, I cannot say that I found any encouraging news from all this research. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I have found compelling reasons not to pursue option #1 of having DH try and visit Canada. The major one of those is because I think DH has a better chance of being struck by lightning than being granted a visitor's visa. Sympathy and compassion are not fundamental in the application of our immigration policies. It is an arbitrary, disorganized, messed up system that is fucking up people's lives on a daily basis. Honest, hardworking people. Which makes reading about people who have entered Canada illegally over again after being deported and who then end up killing someone on the streets of the city, all the more disgusting.

Not being able to pursue our first option, leaves us with the other two. Tonight DH and I had a lengthy discussion (over the phone... yikes I dread my next bill) about option 2. He was very clear and honest about his feelings regarding my travelling to see him. Painfully honest. It comes down to standard of living stuff. I can't remember right now if I have discussed this before, but you see, I'm a white girl. And white people are expected to live a certain way when staying in Nigeria. They call us oyibos (oo-ee-boh). We are assumed to be wealthy and thus we should be living in the appropriate area. This is, I assume, where the other oyibos stay. I have visited Lagos before. It has been a really long time but I do still recall being told that I was not permitted to eat at the side of the road because I am a white woman. I have actually never had so much focus put on my skin colour until visiting Africa. The last time I was there I didn't stay in Lagos proper for very long. I visited the countryside, and then travelled by car through Ghana, Benin, Togo and Ivory Coast. (a trip that I do not recommend unless you are really comfortable with sitting very close to others for a very very long time)

Anyway, I am now faced with the following decision. Decide to travel to Lagos and convince DH (despite his concerns) that my coming will not bring about days of stress and running around trying to accomodate the poor oyibo girl. Or, figure something else out because otherwise I see myself being here alone for a really long time and I don't know that is something I can bear. Wow - what a great decision. Between a rock and a hard place. How do you decide when there is the chance either way for unhappiness? Fuck.

Until tomorrow,
Jenni
(I love you DH xxoo)

For you .... my DH

2010-04-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

Day 37

2010-04-17T17:35:00.000-07:00

It is the weekend and because no business related stuff ever happens on weekends, I don't have much in the way of updates on our progress. More on that coming next week.

Today I want to talk about a special place in Germany. It is a little pub that DH and I visited more than once during our stay there. It was very small and staffed by only the bartender, named Ina. She didn't speak much english, but she tried with us and was very friendly. I think we ended up going in there the first time because it was a place where we could have a drink and just relax. There were only a couple of people in there when we went in but you could tell that some of the locals were regulars. Kind of like Cheers, but with less people and no food, just drinks.

This pub was the place we had our best talks. We talked about things that happened to us during our time apart, talked about things that we had never told anyone else. I remember sitting in that pub like we were the only two people in there, listening to DH tell me stories about things that had happened to him, things he had done, and thinking to myself how incredible it felt to be there with him. It's funny how a time can be so precious but you don't realize it until it has passed.

The last night we went to the pub together I was drinking my Bailey's and DH took off the ring I was wearing on the finger of my left hand - it was a ring that my kids had given me for Christmas. In its place, he put a beautiful diamond ring and promised that we would be together forever. It was a moment I will never forget as long as I live.

One day when we are older, I would love to travel back to Germany and visit that pub just to see if it is still there. To see if Ina is still there. It will forever hold a special place in my heart.

Till tomorrow,
Jenni (love you DH xo)

Day 36

2010-04-16T16:24:00.000-07:00

It has been one week since DH returned to Africa from Germany. Somehow it feels longer, but it has really only been 7 days. I had lunch with a family member today who asked me how I was feeling. I told her that it is hard being apart and the immediate response was, "well, you were apart before" (before meaning before I went to Germany) and yes, that is true. I have said many times since I went to Germany that being with DH was akin to taking Love Crack and now I am forced to go without it. Having DH with me reminded me of just how much I want and need him with me and I cannot go back to the way things were before. I know my trip changed the person I was. It reminded me that there is love in my life and happiness is possible. I felt peace, real inner peace for the first time in a very long time.

It isn't that I don't experience joy with my children, because I do very much. I just think as adults we have many needs to be met in our lives and these needs are met by different people and/or things. For a long time now, my focus has been my kids and the other needs have been neglected because, well, I neglected them. I am a believer in the theory that a happy parent equals happy children. And I will not fool myself into thinking that my kids haven't noticed that I have been unhappy for a long time. Sadly, I think it has affected the teenager the most and I hope that when we are settled, she will come to understand the struggle.

Where was I going with this? Well, actually I was going to talk about the photo. The teenager took it on our flight home from Germany. While it is a gorgeous photo of the sunrise, I hate it actually. I look at it and it reminds me of what I was feeling and it reminds me of airports. I have come to hate them. In particular the departures area. I have had to deal with 3 departures in my life. All of them with DH. The first one was here, the first time he went home. I was 20. I remember trying so hard to keep a brave face on until he was out of my sight. My mother had driven us to the airport that day, so I knew she was waiting for me to drive me home. I was determined not to show anyone I was upset. So, I walked slowly into the public washroom and totally fell apart. I sobbed and I felt my world tear into a million pieces. Then I had to pull myself together, hold it all in and go home.

The second time, was in Africa. I was pregnant with the teenager. I had to return home because I was sick and I needed prenatal care. So, in my (not so) wisdom I thought it would be easier to say goodbye to DH and watch him leave the airport and then I would just go and board the plane. Was it easier? Nope. I have the vision of him driving away in that damn cab frozen in my brain for ever. Still horrible. Still at the damn airport.

Finally, March 2010. I have come to know DH's airport personna and I have told him so. He puts on his very stern Nigerian brave face and is all serious. No emotion - especially since his brother was there. I think he stood talking to me for about 15 minutes and I have no idea what he said at all because all I was thinking was, "would you just hold me and tell me how much you love me before I get on yet another God damned plane?" Of course, I didn't say this. Then, he had to leave with his brother while we were going through the security gate. I watched him walk out the airport door. I actually pondered grabbing my bag and running after him. I honestly don't know how I got on the plane except that I thought of my kids. Teenager couldn't go home alone and my little one was home waiting for me. An impossible situation I think. I don't know how a heart can take so much pain and keep beating.

Those are the reasons why I hate the airport. Unless of course I am boarding a plane to see DH and then I am the happiest damn person in the airport.

In other news, I have to say that today was a good end to the week because I got to talk to DH on the phone, we actually managed to chat without too many interruptions and it was just nice to feel connected for a while. All I know is that when I speak with him or chat with him, I sleep better, feel brighter and calmer knowing that I have heard his voice or chatted with him and that he and S are okay.

And we are one day closer to being on the same continent again. No more departures.

Love you DH (xo for S.),
Jenni xo

Day 35

2010-04-15T17:59:00.000-07:00

The great thing about relationships is the melting together of two separate worlds into one. Two personalities, two belief systems, two cultures, two people. These are the areas that also cause friction because let's face it, as amazing as love is, it cannot fix everything. There is an art, I think, to be able to bond your life with another and make it last. That is what is so amazing and rare about 50 year wedding anniversaries. People who have made things work despite all the odds.
Today in my life, I learned the importance of humility in a relationship. I learned how important it is to admit wrongdoing and to move past the hurt, and even the temporary anger to be able to remember what is really important. My love for another... for better or worse.
I am an only child, well, I have some step siblings, but we weren't raised together so I was raised as an only. I don't know if it the fact that I'm an only child, but I think it in someway contributed to my sense of selfishness. I try not to be selfish, but it does rear it's ugly head from time to time. In particular, when I'm upset. I focus on my needs, my wants, my desires and can forget those of the people around me. Totally wrong, I know this, but it happens.
When it happens with someone that you can only communicate with by e-mail or really expensive phone call, it can be much worse. How can you argue something out with a person via e-mail? You cannot see their facial expression, you can't touch them if you need to, you cannot hear the tone of their voice, you just see the screen. On the phone, you can hear their voice and intonation, but you cannot see them. The worst part I think is that somewhere during the argument, when you reach the point when you realize that what you are arguing about means nothing in comparison to how you really feel for each other and that you have both just been blowing off steam, and you want to grab that person and kiss them to make up... you cannot. Because they aren't right there. There is no make up sex. Just words - by e-mail and the phone. Truly the most frustrating part of being apart.
Last night, I e-mailed before I thought about what exactly I was e-mailing, out of frustration and sadness and it was the wrong thing to do. And I hurt a person that I love so very much that the thought of hurting him makes me hurt more. And I compared what cannot possibly be compared because for one second I forgot what is being sacrificed. We lead a privledged, spoiled life as Canadians and I only need to look at the news to remember that. The things we take for granted are abundant.
I would like to say one other thing today. I read an article in the local paper the other day about immigration numbers in Canada. This particular paper invites comments from it's readers. Some of those comments included people's remarks about how opposed they are to having any more "other" people coming to Canada because we have enough of "them". I would like to respond to those remarks. First, this country is filled with people who came here to make a new life. In fact, if you aren't first nations, then someone in your family came here and started a new life at some point. Second, step off your pedestals for one tiny second and imagine what sort of courage it takes to uproot everything you know and move yourself to a new country and start all over again. There are so many over educated people driving cabs in this city because they can't get a job in the profession they have practiced in their homeland for their whole life. To make money, they have to do what they have to do. That takes more courage than you will ever understand. Finally, I hope that you never have to experience what it means to have the person you love taken away from you because someone else gets to decide whether you love each other enough. As Canadians, we take our rights to be with who we choose for granted. Well, sometimes that "right" doesn't exist, even if you ARE a Canadian. And another Canadian gets to decide that for you. And it is demeaning, and heartbreaking and it explodes your life into a million pieces. And you pray everyday for the safety and health of that person until you can get them back - in whatever way possible. Because the Canadian who decided that you weren't in love was WRONG.
I love you DH and I'm sorry for this morning. Let's keep moving forward together.
xxoo Jenni (mf)

Day 34

2010-04-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

As a mother, I feel have been blessed with two wonderful healthy girls. My family is mostly comprised of women. I'm not sure why this is, I suppose some families produce more girls than boys, or vice versa. I feel pretty comfortable raising girls, being one myself I have lots of experience in how to deal with girls. I have always wondered what it would be like to raise a boy. I am told they are full of energy and like rough play. Right now my 5 year old daughter is full of energy and plays rough on occasion so I'm not too sure that I should believe the stereotypes of boys or girls for that matter.
This post is dedicated to an almost 5 year old that I have never met, but who is very dear to my heart. We have had very brief chats on the phone and I have seen photos. I'm pretty sure he has seen photos of me too. DH's son (I will call him S. in this blog) turns 5 years old at the end of this month. I think it is nice that both DH and I have kids pretty much the same age, as well as having our daughter, who is 17 going on 28.
Bringing our family together, all 5 of us, is very exciting for me because I have never had a boy and honestly, I don't have the first clue about how to parent them. My house is currently filled with polly pocket, barbies and disney princess stuff. Well, my daughter did get this really cool police helmet that lights up and makes police dispatcher noises which is fun and she does play with cars... but I digress.
I think it will be an amazing thing to have all of our kids together and experience the craziness that will result from having 2 five year olds around. And while I know it will sometimes be crazy, it will be a house filled with love and family and that is what I dream of.
So... this post being dedicated to him, I want to wish my favourite almost 5 year old boy a really amazing birthday. May all your wishes come true this year. I wish I could be there to see you blow out your candles. Much love, jenni. xox
ps. xo for you too DH.

Day 33

2010-04-13T13:29:00.000-07:00

Last night was very hard for me. There are some days that I can get by pretty well on e-mailing, or calling or even text messaging. Then, there are others when the empty feeling of being without DH takes over me completely and I break down into tears of frustration. Those are times when I feel both guilt over the past choices I have made that led to this situation, and sorry for myself that I am in this current situation having to deal with all of this when really, I think it should be easy to just be with the person I love. I mean, other people do it right? Why can't I. The pity party is a very easy emotion to get caught up in. For me it can turn into something very ugly and I have even thought a couple of times of just running away. I don't know where really because a person cannot walk to Africa. There is the matter of the ocean being in the way. I can swim, but not that well. Then I think, maybe I should go to the airport and sit there and hunger strike until the Minister of Immigration takes pity on me, or until they drag me out of there for soliciting. I think the second option would come first.
The point is, I have all this hurt and sadness and I just don't know where to put it all sometimes. In the past, I thought in my youthful "wisdom" that instead of handling all the hurt, I would just be angry. That got me nowhere. In fact, that stupidity of my youth has led to regret, hurt and pain. So, I know that anger is not the solution. In our North American culture, we like to pacify our feelings with something especially when the pain is strong. We aren't really good at suffering with anything. Thus the plethora of drugs available to us.
In this present case, as painful as this separation is on me, I'm going to tough it out and use it to make me stronger. I am trying to emulate a woman who I met a really long time ago who had the strength of 10000 men. She was truly an amazing lady and her inner strength and faith is something I can only hope to have. She gave me one of the greatest gifts of my life, DH. When I am in pain, I remember her and it gives me hope and strength to continue. I think of her and I remember what matters.
Until tomorrow,
Jenni (xo love u DH)

Day 32

2010-04-12T07:15:00.000-07:00

According to DH, the pidgin english phrase "love in tokyo" means being crazy in love. According to the online source I checked, it refers to what we like to call PDA's or public displays of affection. I suppose both translations are pretty close to the same meaning. People who are crazy in love can often PDA.
It has been said that when you are in love, you want everyone to be in love. I don't know if this is true when the person you love is separated from you. For me, it seems that no matter where I go, I see people in love. Maybe it is the spring. Maybe I'm just noticing it more because I'm am currently unable to even ponder the possibility of a PDA because it is pretty damn difficult to PDA across an ocean. In any case, I find myself resenting these couples I see expressing love wherever and whenever. In fact, I just want to smack them.
I have even come to hate watching tv and movies. I turn on the tv, and someone is kissing, or holding hands or the damn Bachelor is on. At this point, I think I prefer a good show or movie filled with violence and action. No gushy stuff, I don't need to be reminded that I am currently alone. By alone I mean physically separate, not alone without a mate. I have a mate, he just resides over an ocean. A very large ocean.
What does this mean for me? Well no Love in Tokyo - that's for sure.
In related news, I had a very clear phone conversation with DH last evening. He called me around dinner time and told me that his internet wasn't functioning again and that he would be having it looked at today. The clear phone call was thanks to a new phone number provided by a company that has apparently brought the wonders of optic cable to Nigeria. Thank goodness I say. It was the clearest phone call I have ever had from Lagos. However, it did cut off when the time ran out which was right in the middle of the conversation. Some things do not change. Optic cable or not, money on cards runs out eventually.
It was nice to hear from him because frankly I had been freaking out all day about his whereabouts. It is a terrible thing to be sitting at a computer hoping someone will log on and they don't. You know what they say about a watched pot... well a watched computer is worse. Not only is it frustrating, you start to feel a wee bit obsessed.
Today DH has an appointment regarding one of the possible next steps in our plan. I'm looking forward to hearing the news. If it comes by email all the better because then I will know his internet is fixed. And I will be one day closer to having my own Love in Tokyo.
Until tomorrow,
Jenni (love you DH xo)

Day 31

2010-04-11T07:24:00.000-07:00

Day 31
I was finally able to talk to DH last night after he spent the entire day yesterday getting his internet connection hooked up. You would think that after all that effort, the connection would be decent. Nope. It disconnects whenever it feels like it and mid chat DH will disappear only to reappear a couple of minutes later after he has had to reboot. However, despite the challenges we were able to communicate in a much less expensive way than the phone. Well, I must confess I did also call him and talked for 30 minutes which translates into approximately 23 dollars of talking. Worth every penny though.
We are still trying to find the best option for being together in June. Right now, there are 3 options. 1 - His applying for a visitor's visa to Canada. Given my history with the Canadian Immigration department, I cannot say that I have tremendous faith in this option. In my opinion, the purpose of a visa officer abroad is to steal whatever hopes and dreams you have and to crush them into a million pieces. That also goes for the ones who work in Canada actually. No, I'm not bitter at all....
2- Me travelling to Nigeria. This one is more expensive than the previous option. The ticket alone is close to 2000. Then I have to get some shots to protect me from whatever illness is lurking about over there to which I'm not immune. These shots are not covered under the provincial health plan. Neither is the visit to the doctor who provides the shots. Naturally. I also would need to buy a mosquito net, get some malaria pills, and get a visa from the Nigerian embassy. This last one is also fun because you have to provide both an online payment to a website titled Nigerian Immigration Service. I think this payment goes directly to the government in Nigeria. This is new from the last time I applied for their visa. Then I have to send my proof of payment to the NIS, along with 20 bucks, a letter of invitation, my passport, proof that I have money to finance my visit and photos of myself to the Embassy in Ottawa. I do actually believe that this process may be more complicated than to get a Canadian one.
3 - Meeting in Germany. I like this option because I really enjoyed being in Germany. I don't require a visa to travel there, I love the city I visited, the people were nice when they could understand me, the food was good, there are lots of cafes and it was just a nice place to be. Weather wise, it is quite similar to Canada so not much for me to get used to. DH on the other hand would once again have to get used to winter. I don't think this is a very big deal to him. The language barrier is an issue, but it isn't impossible to learn German. I can already say about 10 words. That leaves what... 5000 more to go?
So, these are the choices we are mulling over. We have a time limit in which to decide because I have to get the shots (see #2) on the 21st of this month if I am going to be travelling to DH. I actually think that option is kind of exciting because I haven't been there in a long time and I sort of want to see how things have changed. This isn't just my decision though and there are issues around me staying in Nigeria ... one of them being the fact that a white girl just can't stay anywhere she pleases.
Nothing is decided yet, but I will keep you updated.
Until tomorrow,
Jenni (love u DH xo)

Day 30

2010-04-10T09:15:00.000-07:00

Day 30
This is a photo of the market in Lagos Nigeria. This is where DH (which refers to the often used darling hubby and will be used from this point onward) called me from yesterday. This image isn't surprising to me as I have been to Lagos before. Actually, Lagos is much changed since I visited it last. For such an immense population, I think they do surprisingly well to handle the infrastructure. I cannot imagine what would become of a major city in Canada with a population of almost 18 million people living in 3500 square kms.
Nigeria and in particular, Lagos, is a much judged country around the world. Ask many people in North America and they will tell you that they associate Lagos with corruption and 411 scams. I find that the media prefers to portray countries in Africa as infamous. It sells more papers. I'm not saying there isn't corruption in the country. What I am saying is, there is corruption in every country - some countries are just more skilled as disguising it and making the corruption into something it's not. Like the USA for instance.
Visiting Lagos is an experience of a lifetime. It is busy, crowded, loud, and sometimes scary. I have also never met so many very friendly people who are so despite the circumstances around them.
I still worry about DH though. I see the photo above and think about the things he has to deal with while there. The power outages, the go slows, the heat. He tells me that he is fine and that he is keeping busy planning for June. I know this but deep inside it doesn't make me worry about his welfare any less. I worry more about the things going on around him and how that might affect him. So I pray for his safe keeping and wait for the next call or email.
He does have a computer, but right now he is in the process of trying to get reliable internet service. This time last week he was still in Germany with his brother and it was so much better in terms of communication. The phone calls didn't cut off or sound like we were talking inside a tin can like they do from Lagos and there certainly was a much more reliable internet service. I actually became spoiled from being able to communicate so easily.
Now I wait. Patience is a necessity when dealing with anything to do with Africa. If you don't have any it is just an exercise in frustration.
So it is Day 30 and I sit patiently.
I love you DH. xo Jenni

29 days

2010-04-09T18:06:00.000-07:00

The title of this blog, in case anyone ever reads this, is the exact number of days between when I left my true love at the airport in Ivory Coast, West Africa and when we met each other again in Hannover, Germany this year. It took us 17 years, 8 months and 15 days to reunite.
The history of our relationship is not the subject of this blog, rather, it is to document our attempts to be together as a family. Us and our kids. Right now, we are apart again. He is home in West Africa and I am home in Canada. Oceans apart. The time we spent together in Germany in March has only strengthened our resolve to be together. I feel blessed in this life to have been given a second chance at love and I am happily taking it. As so many friends have said to me recently, Jennifer, this is your time.
This time the count will not be so long. We have now been apart again for about 29 days now. So far, we have spent countless hours on the phone and online (thank God for the internet). Our plan is to be together by June so this blog is going to serve as my daily sounding board for how the plan is coming along. I think that rather than exhausting my friends/family with my stories I will put them here where at least I will read them.