I realize that my blog may not have that many readers but writing it has been very helpful to me in more ways that I care to explain here. I was never a diary keeper (which is obvious from the length of time that expires between my posts), but I like having this blog as a record of my time over the last couple of years.
That being said, for whatever it is worth I am writing this post.
In October, I will be 40 years old. I have had a really hard time dealing with the approach of my 40th year. I remember thinking in my 20's how really old 40 sounded and all of a sudden, I'm on it's doorstep. In addition to being scared about the number itself, I also am reminded of the plans I had for my life by the time I was 40. One of those, to be in better shape, I am proud to say that I have achieved. However, the remainder, I have not.
On top of my list would be to have a stable family unit around me. Yet, here I sit with a spouse stuck in West Africa, me in Canada, one child living with a friend and the other living with her dad. Not that I am saying that much of this isn't my own doing, but this wasn't the plan. I feel so very alone and afraid and to say that I feel stress would be an understatement. I have grey hair popping up on my head at an alarming rate (apparently this is due to stress), I have sores in my mouth from worry, I am grinding my teeth at night so I have a sore jaw and lately I can barely hold a conversation without tearing up. I walk everyday to try and deal with all this stress, but it isn't helping me too much.
The thing is, I feel like I have failed again. I wanted so badly to spend this past year bringing DH here, but I didn't do that. In fact, we are no closer to that than we were one year ago. I am back in Canada because after suffering from my second bout of malaria in as many months, and the stress of DH losing his job, it was just too much and I had to beg my way here for a while. Now, I am staying temp with someone because I don't have a place right now. I so desperately want DH with me so that we can move forward it is making me physically ill. I just don't know what to do anymore. I am out of money (which you know... makes the world go round!), out of ideas and out of energy. I just want all of this to have a happy ending and I don't know how to make that happen. I would even settle for an expat job in Naija (if they can provide accommodation with it) but I can't even seem to manage that. DH doesn't have a family that is supportive at all - so we are all each other has and I've left him there and I feel just like the worst person ever.
It feels like everything I gave up last year was for nothing because I have gained no ground.
So, here is the thing. If anyone reads this blog anymore and can provide me with anything - advice, tips, suggestions, help - anything... I would be forever grateful. I just don't have anywhere else to turn anymore and I really need some help.
I pray that this time of stress and pain will be over very soon because it is taking everything out of me. I pray daily for God's strength to guide me in the right direction. I pray for a miracle.
God bless and thanks for reading.
Jennifer
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