Have you ever had a dream in which you find yourself standing on the edge of a very large cliff and you are teetering because you feel as if you are about to lose your balance and fall? I have been having those at least 3 times a week this past month.
I have been reflecting on my posts from this time last year. To be cliche - sometimes everything that glitters isn't gold. In fact, if I look at photos of myself from when I arrived in Lagos last July and compare them to photos taken more recently, I can see obvious differences in myself. DH and I were having a very big argument a few days ago (which are becoming commonplace unfortunately) and he told me that his brother in Germany asked him during our visit there why I looked so sad. That apparently showed in my face. I am "blessed" with one of those faces that cannot hide what I am feeling. This affects me in mostly negative ways because I can't hide when I am sad or confused or angry. I wonder what people are reading on my face lately.
If I were being honest with myself, I would say that DH and I are probably beginning to look like refugees of this relationship. Tired, worn out, confused, lost, and maybe trying to find something to salvage. At the same time, there are times during the day that I look at him and feel the same love I always did. The kind of love that tells you inside that not having this person with you would be a loss so severe in your life that you may never recover. I know - cause I have been there once already. I know what it did to me.
I also know that the person I am is different now in a significant way. I am not the same person I was one year ago. I know more, I appreciate different things, I cope with things differently, I have grown. I know that some of that has to do with DH. Good and bad, he has influenced me.
This year marks my 40th birthday. The closer I get to October, the more I feel it. I know that this year is a significant one for me in more ways than one.
Right now, I am standing on that proverbial cliff. I feel the loss of my children more everyday that I am here. I feel an incredible sense of being torn in two directions at the same time. What makes things hard is that I have no one to talk to about all of this.
Tomorrow, I am supposed to begin working. It isn't a super paying job and it doesn't have any expat perks, but it gives me something to do everyday and I may meet some influential people and that isn't a bad thing. But at this point in our relationship, things being the way they are, I have to weigh the scales on whether working this job is heading me in the direction in which I want to go. DH and I have had 3 conversations about this in the past 2 days. DH is incredibly focused regarding what he wants, but I seem to be the flag in the relationship - waving back and forth in the wind hoping that I can stay on the pole. See what I mean? Standing on the cliff.
I am still in need of a big hand to hold me from falling. Or at least, give me a bungee cord.
Until next time,
Jennifer
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