Help

I know... blog neglect. I have no excuse, it is just what it is. I haven't managed to sit down and write anything. Today, there are things to say. I could actually use some womanly advice today. Because I just don't get men anymore. I just don't. I try to understand... maybe it's me. Maybe it is the cultural difference. Maybe I am just so fucked up that I am beyond being able to stabilize myself in a relationship. I don't know anymore.

What I do know is that the more I try to bend and adjust, the more I seem to be suffocating who I am. Or maybe that isn't it at all. Maybe I am just a difficult bitch who can't be happy.

I have this feeling inside my chest all the time now that feels like I have some kind of evil spirit living in there (like a little gnome or something) that is eating at my insides. I know that deep down I am a kind and generous person who has lots of love to give out. There is another part of me that just wants to hit something or someone until they feel as bad as I do. Does any of this make sense?

I realized the other day that maybe I am trying to find the DH that I knew when I was 20. And I suppose that I am in some kind of mourning for a person that no longer exists. He left this place a very long time ago. I feel incredible amounts of personal guilt about this because I think that this is because of what I did. I think there is this large part of me that I have never admitted to wanting to have the life back that I had back then. Which, when I think about it with my head, just isn't realistic. I mean, what person in their 40's is the same person they were in their 20's? Life happens to people, their experiences make them into the person they are today. It is inevitable. Even I can say that I am not the same person I was then. So, why am I expecting him to be? I know in my head it is unfair to expect such, but my heart just aches for what I have lost. The time, the experiences, the love. I gave so so much up such a long time ago and I so want to go back in time and give myself a giant smack for making such a stupid choice.

I think one of the most difficult things about marriage is not expecting the person to whom you are married to change for you. I don't think there is anything wrong with wanting them to be the best person they can be - I think that comes from a place of love. But when it comes to change, they have to want it - not just you. They have to want to be that person for you. When that isn't happening, it's hard and painful and it just plain sucks.

I know - all of this is very cryptic. I am just confused and lost and I feel so lonely that I could just shrivel up and disappear. I miss the DH of my heart - my hero, my strength, the person who showed me that anything is possible, who was never afraid, who spent every minute showing me how very much he loved me. I miss that person so much. I know DH loves me still, but he allows himself to be so occupied by the stress and chaos in his life that I feel as if I have to get in line to have the spot in his life that I used to occupy naturally.

Right now, he is lying beside me sleeping. S is here visiting for the weekend, and he had to get up around 6am with him. Part of me really feels sad and empathetic for him because he is constantly tired. The other part of me feels frustration towards him because he should have more energy and life shouldn't exhaust him so. His energy level is just non existent. Then, when he does feel energy it is for activities that aren't necessarily beneficial to him or his health. It is kind of like watching a train heading for a really horrible crash and you don't know how to stop it.

I know this. I love him more than I love myself. Every time that I look at him I feel that love but I just don't know how to make what we are doing work because I don't know how to get through all the walls he has put up around him. I am just lost and my heart just hurts so much.

I need guidance, and advice and someone to talk to about all this. So blog, you're it. You are all I have right now. Maybe by putting this out there, I will get something back. Whatever it is, I hope it helps.

Until next time,

Jennifer